JE001

Posted: January 6, 2010 in About Me
Tags: , ,

I’m full of hatred today…  My alter-ego’s gone back to her cocoon… The one outside is the part that is full of hatred and pain.

I took a vacation in the province to feel peace.  Whenever I’m with my grandmother, I always felt at peace.  It’s as if there’s nothing that can go wrong.

When I came back here, my mind’s filled with dark thoughts again.  Thoughts of running away from my problems started pouring in.  I even had thoughts of hitting the walls again.  Just so I can release some of the anger and pain I have inside me.

Thinking about the reason/cause of them all points down to my parents.  My dad who’s here just for vacation, can’t seem to find anything good in whatever I do.  I made the effort to cook our Noche Buena.. and instead of any kind word about it, all I got to hear was: “Is that all you can do?”.   And there’s my mom.  She always act as if I have never done anything for anyone in my family.  She’s fond of pulling me down each time I try to lift myself up.

Dammit.  I can never do good.  Everything I’ve done is never enough…  I need not hear harsh words when I am still struggling.  I can’t take a step forward because I would always need to have their approval.  I wanted to stand on my own but they kept on pulling me down.

When they’re angry at me, they often tell me to get lost and live on my own.  When I leave the house, they’d tell me to go back… I don’t know where to stand anymore.

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