Posted: August 19, 2014 in Random Thoughts
Tags: , , ,

I’m a broken girl, damaged, and don’t know if I can be whole again.  I even stopped hoping that someday I will be fixed…  because I know, I’m far too shattered to be put back together.

Then I met him.   He made me hope…  Knowing him made me want to be whole again… So, I can be enough for him.

I gambled.  I gave it a chance, despite my mind telling me that I’m in for another set of pain…  My mind told me I’ve had enough. That I’m far too shattered to give myself another beating – another heartache.

He said he’s serious, but we need to take things really, really slow.  I agreed, though there are buzzes in my head telling me that I’m surely in for another set of pain.  I didn’t listen to my head.  I followed my heart.  After years of being distant, of being radical about love, I gave myself the go signal to give it a try.

I was happy.  He makes me happy.  But the distance, the inconsistent communication got in the way.  I didn’t want to demand his time.  Because a part of me thinks I’ll only get what I deserve.  Yet, I’ve given him parts of me that I have never given anyone else… I’ve done things for him that I never thought I’d do.  That was how much I love him.

A few weeks ago, nightmares came to me.  And a few days ago, the nightmare came true.  Someone from my past came back to haunt me.  I’m reminded of how weak I am, of how broken I was.  That few minutes that I’ve struggled to get away from my past was enough to shatter the little piece of me that I have glued together.

Fear had gripped me.  I can’t help but repeat what my past told me…  That I’ll never be good enough for anyone… that no matter who I choose, I’ll be treated like crap – cause that’s what I am.

And I guess, I just have to believe it.  I’m far too broken, way too shattered for anyone.  No one wants to have damaged goods.  I guess, I’ll just have to accept it.  Because even though I thought he can help me heal, it’s just wishful thinking…

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