Sometimes…

Posted: May 19, 2017 in Random Thoughts

There’s a lot of things going on in my mind right now…  There are things I wish I can do, things I wish I could say…

But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t disappear without a trace.  It’s still the end I wanted to have for myself, but I know I can’t do it.  No matter how sane I try to act, I still go back to this old dream – that sometime, in the future, I will be just a name… Untraceable.  Unknown.  I’ve already made plans on how to do it.  But even in my drawing board, I can find scenarios where it will fail.  Was it because I’m over-analyzing my plans?  Or was it because a tiny part of me wants to reach a ripe old age with people that I value?

I want to be free… Absolute freedom, without care of any possible repercussions, of consequences that might happen with my choices.  I feel lost and torn between my values, and what my darker side wants to do.  I’m tired.  I’m ready to give up.  I’m ready to let go of the little hope I have.

Maybe it’s about time that I let go.

I’m done fighting, trying to make myself better.  I’m done trying to do things to make people around me happy.  Whatever I do, I will never be good enough.

For them, I am worthless.  Maybe it’s time that I accept that.

Because sometimes, it’s better to lose.

 

 

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