Posted: September 29, 2018 in Random Thoughts

Fought hard and long
To have another star
To feel like I belong
To fool myself I’m going far

Fought with a strong heart
To finish what I started
To continue on my path
To keep myself grounded

Fought the darkness inside me
To keep the light burning
To keep the passion alive
To keep an eye on what I want

Now I am almost done fighting
Now I am almost reaching the end
Now I am almost feeling happy.
Almost, yet never quite there.

Been gone for so long… Tried to shift my focus into something else – other things I love… and trying to make myself better.

Been through ups and downs, had my highs and lows. With each month-end, tried to check how my day ended: Did I had a happy day? Was I p*ssed? Am I frustrated? Am I about to fall asleep angry?

I tried to do something that I’ve avoided. Managed to succeed for a few months, but something happened and I’ve strayed from that goal.

It’s been more than 2 years since I last had a sip of any alcoholic drink. An achievement since I used to have a drink every evening. It’s been years since I’ve last bought a book to read. Hell, even Wattpad stories were not read or opened.

It’s just recently that I decided to go back to an old hobby. Managed to get a few projects done. But I still have some that I have yet to finish. Two years ago, I’ve gotten back to my written journals and planners – after being away for so long…

34 years and counting… I’m still too far from what I hoped to achieve. I’m still a work in progress. I’m still bound in the shadows, letting darkness gnaw at my being.

34 years and counting… I’m still battling with my self-worth and insecurities.

34 years and counting… I’m still hoping… wishing… that there’s still hope for me.


Posted: December 22, 2017 in Random Thoughts

These past few months, since I last posted, I focused on things to make myself better. I continued with my Master’s Degree classes. Got through a subject that I am not too good at.

I’m still not finished. I have 2 more subjects after this semester. Once I’m done with the academic requirements, next will be the comprehensive exam. After passing that exam, it’s Thesis next. Lots of things to do – some exciting, some just finished to reach my goal.

At times, I feel like I’m just winging through each day… that I’m doing all these things just so I can matter. Sometimes, I focus all my energy into something not really needed. Often, I lose focus.

Like right now. It’s gonna be Christmas soon. Tasks and chores were done. But I can’t focus on what I wanted to do this Christmas break. I want to do something craft-related. It’s something I feel I have forgotten to do.

At the moment, I am focusing on laying out my plans for the coming year… Things I want to do, finish… or start. My thoughts are all scattered. With all these planning, I am having qualms on what to prioritize and put much focus on.


Posted: May 19, 2017 in Random Thoughts

There’s a lot of things going on in my mind right now…  There are things I wish I can do, things I wish I could say…

But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t disappear without a trace.  It’s still the end I wanted to have for myself, but I know I can’t do it.  No matter how sane I try to act, I still go back to this old dream – that sometime, in the future, I will be just a name… Untraceable.  Unknown.  I’ve already made plans on how to do it.  But even in my drawing board, I can find scenarios where it will fail.  Was it because I’m over-analyzing my plans?  Or was it because a tiny part of me wants to reach a ripe old age with people that I value?

I want to be free… Absolute freedom, without care of any possible repercussions, of consequences that might happen with my choices.  I feel lost and torn between my values, and what my darker side wants to do.  I’m tired.  I’m ready to give up.  I’m ready to let go of the little hope I have.

Maybe it’s about time that I let go.

I’m done fighting, trying to make myself better.  I’m done trying to do things to make people around me happy.  Whatever I do, I will never be good enough.

For them, I am worthless.  Maybe it’s time that I accept that.

Because sometimes, it’s better to lose.




Posted: May 11, 2017 in Random Thoughts

Been on an indefinite hiatus. No new post for the past 5 months or so. My thoughts were in constant motion. No definite direction. So for those months I was inactive, I was busy sorting — trying to find the beauty inside my chaotic mind.

2016 ended a bit good for me. It was a year of being able to achieve something — something that I can be proud of. But despite it being good, it wasn’t enough. No matter what I was able to get, I’m still not good enough.

This year, I’ve decided to try and be more positive. Try to have good vibes. Attract good karma. I still believe in Murphy’s Law — Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Only this time, I decided to change the way I react.

I don’t know if I can reach all my plans. I have decided to make this year all about becoming better.

It’s time for a hiatus from negativity.


Posted: November 29, 2016 in About Me
Tags: , ,

I’ve tried hard.  I’ve pushed myself into crossing out everything on my list.  But all of my goals, they are nothing.

I followed what I was told to do.  I’ve managed to survive.  I’ve made changes, I’ve compromised.  Yet, all those efforts were for nothing.

I’ve worked on being better, of having a more positive outlook in life.  Yet, here I am, in the darkest corner of my room… wallowing in self-pity.

Because no matter what I do, no matter what I achieve, they all mean nothing.

All I wanted was for a better treatment, to at least see a ray of light, that things will be better.  But such is not the case.

I act tough.  I act like nothing could break me.  But inside this shell, my dust-sized self shrinks to something much smaller…  more coarse, more raw.

I am beginning to hate myself more.  For exerting effort onto something just so I can feel like I matter.  But I don’t… and now I’m contemplating whether or not to just set fire on these so called accomplishments.

Coz no matter what I do, achieve and reach, they will never be enough.  Hell, I am never enough.

Might as well make my walls thicker, and higher.  Might as well keep up with the pretense that I don’t give a damn about anything.  Maybe I need to let the fires consume me and leave all the water to evaporate.

In the end, it’s the only thing keeping me sane.  It’s the only thing that keeps my walls up, locking the emptiness within.

After weeks of waiting, I finally got the result I was waiting for.

LET results were released this morning and I am fortunate to be one of the passers in the recently concluded September 2016 board exam for teachers.

I am happy, ecstatic… and thankful.

From being a person with no self-belief, who doubts her own capabilities, I managed to pass the board exam in just one take.  Today is a testament of what I can do — I just have to believe in myself, and always work hard.

One life goal was realized today… and I still have a lot of goals to cross out… in the coming days, weeks, even years.

But today, it’s just a day for happiness… A day to be thankful… a day to celebrate in my own little way.

I am thankful of this blessing from above… thankful for having people who supported and believed me when I doubted myself… I am thankful to everyone who helped me and provided me with the confidence boost I needed.

Maraming, maraming salamat. Sinong mag-aakala na ang isang tulad kong walang bilib sa sarili ay makakapasa sa board exam? Ngayon, mas paninindigan ko na ang lagi kong sinasabi sa iba na nangangailangan din ng moral boost — tiwala lungs!