Sometimes…

Posted: May 19, 2017 in Random Thoughts

There’s a lot of things going on in my mind right now…  There are things I wish I can do, things I wish I could say…

But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t disappear without a trace.  It’s still the end I wanted to have for myself, but I know I can’t do it.  No matter how sane I try to act, I still go back to this old dream – that sometime, in the future, I will be just a name… Untraceable.  Unknown.  I’ve already made plans on how to do it.  But even in my drawing board, I can find scenarios where it will fail.  Was it because I’m over-analyzing my plans?  Or was it because a tiny part of me wants to reach a ripe old age with people that I value?

I want to be free… Absolute freedom, without care of any possible repercussions, of consequences that might happen with my choices.  I feel lost and torn between my values, and what my darker side wants to do.  I’m tired.  I’m ready to give up.  I’m ready to let go of the little hope I have.

Maybe it’s about time that I let go.

I’m done fighting, trying to make myself better.  I’m done trying to do things to make people around me happy.  Whatever I do, I will never be good enough.

For them, I am worthless.  Maybe it’s time that I accept that.

Because sometimes, it’s better to lose.

 

 

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Hiatus

Posted: May 11, 2017 in Random Thoughts

Been on an indefinite hiatus. No new post for the past 5 months or so. My thoughts were in constant motion. No definite direction. So for those months I was inactive, I was busy sorting — trying to find the beauty inside my chaotic mind.

2016 ended a bit good for me. It was a year of being able to achieve something — something that I can be proud of. But despite it being good, it wasn’t enough. No matter what I was able to get, I’m still not good enough.

This year, I’ve decided to try and be more positive. Try to have good vibes. Attract good karma. I still believe in Murphy’s Law — Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Only this time, I decided to change the way I react.

I don’t know if I can reach all my plans. I have decided to make this year all about becoming better.

It’s time for a hiatus from negativity.

Nothing

Posted: November 29, 2016 in About Me
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I’ve tried hard.  I’ve pushed myself into crossing out everything on my list.  But all of my goals, they are nothing.

I followed what I was told to do.  I’ve managed to survive.  I’ve made changes, I’ve compromised.  Yet, all those efforts were for nothing.

I’ve worked on being better, of having a more positive outlook in life.  Yet, here I am, in the darkest corner of my room… wallowing in self-pity.

Because no matter what I do, no matter what I achieve, they all mean nothing.

All I wanted was for a better treatment, to at least see a ray of light, that things will be better.  But such is not the case.

I act tough.  I act like nothing could break me.  But inside this shell, my dust-sized self shrinks to something much smaller…  more coarse, more raw.

I am beginning to hate myself more.  For exerting effort onto something just so I can feel like I matter.  But I don’t… and now I’m contemplating whether or not to just set fire on these so called accomplishments.

Coz no matter what I do, achieve and reach, they will never be enough.  Hell, I am never enough.

Might as well make my walls thicker, and higher.  Might as well keep up with the pretense that I don’t give a damn about anything.  Maybe I need to let the fires consume me and leave all the water to evaporate.

In the end, it’s the only thing keeping me sane.  It’s the only thing that keeps my walls up, locking the emptiness within.

After weeks of waiting, I finally got the result I was waiting for.

LET results were released this morning and I am fortunate to be one of the passers in the recently concluded September 2016 board exam for teachers.

I am happy, ecstatic… and thankful.

From being a person with no self-belief, who doubts her own capabilities, I managed to pass the board exam in just one take.  Today is a testament of what I can do — I just have to believe in myself, and always work hard.

One life goal was realized today… and I still have a lot of goals to cross out… in the coming days, weeks, even years.

But today, it’s just a day for happiness… A day to be thankful… a day to celebrate in my own little way.

I am thankful of this blessing from above… thankful for having people who supported and believed me when I doubted myself… I am thankful to everyone who helped me and provided me with the confidence boost I needed.

Maraming, maraming salamat. Sinong mag-aakala na ang isang tulad kong walang bilib sa sarili ay makakapasa sa board exam? Ngayon, mas paninindigan ko na ang lagi kong sinasabi sa iba na nangangailangan din ng moral boost — tiwala lungs!

Night Sky

Posted: November 2, 2016 in About Me, On Relationships
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A few days ago, I came across this image from The Mind Unleashed Facebook page

forblog

This is something I used to do… Something I used to do with a very special person. A person who made me feel that the moon talk, and the balcony walks.

He paints… and the night sky is his inspiration.  He said that the stars were the light that illuminates his paintings.  He will always point at the Polaris, telling me that should I lose my path, I would just have to look for it… and I’ll find my way back.

Sometimes, he would paint while holding my hand…  Often, we’d just gaze into the sky and talk about our dreams… of what we want to do for our future.  One time, he told me that I should never wish on stars, because stars fall.  He told me that whenever I want to wish for something, I should wait for the crescent moon…  The waning moon will help to let go, and the waxing moon will help attain my goal.

The night sky witnessed the promises we made to each other.  The moon and the stars showered us with their blessings…  Until now, years after you left, I still find myself looking at the night sky, looking for Polaris, wishing on a crescent moon.

Years since you’ve been gone, I still wish you were here beside me, in our favorite spot, with your favorite blanket… mapping the constellations, just basking in the moon’s borrowed light.

It will always be our night sky… and I would like to believe that you’re up there, among the billions of stars shining in the dark.  You’re still my light, my knight and my king… and the night sky, the roof of our castle.

Teaching Experience

Posted: October 25, 2016 in About Me, At Work
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The first semester of SY 2016-2017 marked my first time to teach in a classroom setting.  It was different from training, or teaching kids/young adults different how-to’s or arts/crafts.  Since I know I am strict, and quite demanding, I had to change that… Coz I wanted my first time to teach to be a smooth-sailing experience, I decided to be nice.

Here’s just some things I’ve learned during the few months of teaching:

  1. Things will always deviate away from your plan.  I am someone ruled by plans, to-do’s, checklists, etc.  So I admit, I got a bit upset that despite giving school works in advance, some would still submit late… Or worse, not submit at all.
  2. Once in a while, it is okay to chase someone to give you what you asked.  Okay, so this may seem a bit like hugot but the thing is, I am not the type who will chase after someone just so he/she can submit his/her task. Hindi nga ako naghabol sa mga naging ka-on ko e, pero naranasan kong maghabol ng estudyante.  In a typical setting, if someone did not submit their task, then it’s their loss.  But in school setting, you have to give chances, follow up, and chase students to submit requirements.  You should also talk to them, to know possible difficulties, get the reason why they can’t submit or why it was late.
  3. You need to have tons of patience.  Anyone who knows me, knew that I am not a very patient person.  I value time too much.  I have schedules and plans that I need to adhere to.  Despite loving heavy and loud rock music, too much noise from incessant talking irks me.  True, there are a few times that I scolded the class, and even changed some things because of too much noise.  But most of the time, you just have to bear it.

Those are just some it.  There’s quite a lot of things I’ve learned, but it’s more of how different people behave, how I should act, and how I should treat others.  I won’t go into details about each of them because I am still sorting them… whether it’s something I should retain, revise, or reject.

Still, I am glad to have the opportunity to teach.  I’ve met a few good people – teachers and students alike.  I am thankful and glad that I’ve met them.  I am looking forward to more teaching opportunities… and probably start my journey towards the reason why I did this shift in the first place.

Inside

Posted: October 9, 2016 in About Me, Poems, Random Thoughts
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I tried to keep it from showing
Each day I fake a smile
Just to keep it within

I kept to myself and pushed people away
And hid in a bubble of uncertainty
Desperately pushing it deep within

But the darkness inside me is stronger
It’s clawing its way out
Demanding to be released

——————————————————————–

An unfinished poem started back in February 2015… Been cleaning my files, and here’s something I have forgotten until today.

And here I am, more than a year after, but the darkness is still trying to come out. Been successful keeping it at bay – by focusing on the things I wanted to do… I’ve been successful so far. For how long, I don’t really know.

But I’ll try to keep on fighting this, because I am more than my DDS… I am more than what I think I am… And this darkness clawing its way out is just the part of me that I’ve buried with time.