Archive for the ‘On Relationships’ Category

Night Sky

Posted: November 2, 2016 in About Me, On Relationships
Tags: , , , ,

A few days ago, I came across this image from The Mind Unleashed Facebook page

forblog

This is something I used to do… Something I used to do with a very special person. A person who made me feel that the moon talk, and the balcony walks.

He paints… and the night sky is his inspiration.  He said that the stars were the light that illuminates his paintings.  He will always point at the Polaris, telling me that should I lose my path, I would just have to look for it… and I’ll find my way back.

Sometimes, he would paint while holding my hand…  Often, we’d just gaze into the sky and talk about our dreams… of what we want to do for our future.  One time, he told me that I should never wish on stars, because stars fall.  He told me that whenever I want to wish for something, I should wait for the crescent moon…  The waning moon will help to let go, and the waxing moon will help attain my goal.

The night sky witnessed the promises we made to each other.  The moon and the stars showered us with their blessings…  Until now, years after you left, I still find myself looking at the night sky, looking for Polaris, wishing on a crescent moon.

Years since you’ve been gone, I still wish you were here beside me, in our favorite spot, with your favorite blanket… mapping the constellations, just basking in the moon’s borrowed light.

It will always be our night sky… and I would like to believe that you’re up there, among the billions of stars shining in the dark.  You’re still my light, my knight and my king… and the night sky, the roof of our castle.

Advertisements

Sometimes I wish I could’ve gone with you.  I wished to be in the same state with you 14 years ago.  Those hours in comatose, I could’ve spent it with you…  I should’ve breathed my last the moment you did.

But ever the rational one, you shielded me.  In that freak accident, you managed to think of me.  Had you not covered me, we would’ve both been in the same situation – 6 feet under.

You were selfish.  You didn’t thought of what I would feel about you leaving me.  I would’ve gladly joined you wherever you are, because it’s only with you that I am free.  It’s only with you that I felt I can do everything I set my mind to do.

Now, 14 years passed.  I find myself still visiting your grave, asking you why you had to leave me.  I still remember.  I still miss being with you…

And you know what hurts?  It’s being there at our favorite place, and seeing it as if you were still there…  asking me to sit beside you while you paint…  Laying down beside you while we look at the moon and stars.

 

Sometimes, I find myself wishing for feelings to be mended and gaps closed…  sometimes I wish we can just pick up where the relationship ended.

I waited… planned to give chances.  Sometimes, I even thought of crossing lines in making sure I did whatever I could to save whatever I can.

But it’s not right.

In an effort to bring back what I lost, I failed to see the reason why I lost it.

I had been caught up with the illusion of my failed relationship, that I was willing to compromise.  I was willing to let someone come back, despite never believing in giving chances.

Since I was the one at fault, I thought that it was okay to break my own rule, let go of my own principle, just to make amends…  I have what-if scenarios wherein I am doing the right thing.

I almost gave in to the illusion.  From a recent conversation with him, my clouded judgement became clear.

And in that same moment, I decided to let go and finally move on.

I’m in between…
Torn between choices, unable to decide.
Same cons, different pros.
Yet, I’m still lost on which to choose.

I’m in between…
Standing at this crossroad,
Unsure which one to take.
Both looks the same.

I’m in between…
Should I be strong and keep this facade?
Or should I accept defeat and embrace the pain.
What should I pick?

I’m in between:
A part of me wants you to be here, with me…
Another wants to let things run its course…
And accept that this is the end.

I’ve done it again.  I pushed someone away.  Someone who meant a lot to me.  Someone I wanted to stay.

I thought it will last.  We’ve been together for quite a long time now.  I’m not afraid to say that I can see a future with him.  But I let my fears take over.

A misunderstanding.  A pretty simple one that I have blown out of proportion.  It is after-all, my best talent.  I just have a knack of pushing people away, once I get to show them my vulnerable side.

I lost him.  I lost the person I love. Because I let my fears surface.  Because my trust wavered.  Instead of understanding and asking for explanation, I jumped into conclusions.  Apparently, I am not yet “cured” of my fears.

I bailed out on him instead of him bailing out on me.

I love him.  But I have also hurt him.  No amount of sorry can bring him back.  He decided not to, despite me swallowing my pride and saying that I still want him beside me.

I screwed up.  Big time.

And I have no one to blame but myself…  My incurable feeling of being inadequate…  My fear of being not good enough for anyone.

As I cry myself to sleep tonight, I can only dream of the what-have-been’s…  It’s the only thing I have left.

For the Love of Apple

Posted: July 8, 2015 in On Relationships
Tags:

Last week had been a very busy week for me and a couple of friends. One of our common friends is getting married and we were tasked to do a few things for her.

We only had a few days to do stuff for her, and this is on top of a full-time Monday to Friday work, and CPE classes 3 days a week.

To say that last week has been busy, is an understatement. We had to design a sticker to be put on the wedding giveaways. We also have to make a banner that will be used during the wedding march. And we only started doing them, Thursday afternoon… after shift.

Thursday, we were given the fabric and the budget to use to buy materials. There’s no single fabric paint that matches the motif, so I even had to mix 3 colors to get the teal color that is needed. The fabric is not yet cut. So we had to cut and sew it first before we can proceed with designing what would be 2 sets of banner with a particular message.

I got home a little before 12AM on Friday… and I still have to review a bit because we have a class that Friday… and work starts at 7AM.

Friday, after work and class, we had to finish the banner and had the stickers printed. Since classes finish at 8:30 PM, we are unable to have the stickers printed out. So we had to ask the bride to have it printed… And we had to buy dinner first before we can continue with the banner. Fast forward to finishing everything, I went home around 3:00 AM. We finished late, and it rained so hard, I can’t go home.

Saturday came, wedding day. We were supposed to look over the proceedings… the wedding march and reception. I won’t go into details of the mishaps that happened, there were quite a few… From the march to the reception. Despite the raucous at the start, it was a fun event – courtesy of the bride’s funny rendition of her “I do…” and the reception’s program.

In that particular 3 days alone, we experienced being tired, panicked, and stressed. But it was worth it. It was all for the love of a friend who tied the knot.

And just like the 1st banner… after the long wait…

They finally got married!

Lately, I realized nothing good has come my way.

It started with a relationship that broke me. I don’t want to admit it, but though it was I who ended things, it felt bad. Mainly because I realized I never mattered to him.

I’ve waited. I’ve given chances… Qualities that isn’t the least like me, but for him, I have been patient and forgiving.

Then now, my work. It’s supposed to be a scapegoat.. Somewhere I can retire to when I need to think and relax.

Two bad surveys… Two bad comments… That’s all it took for me to lose the little enthusiasm I have for what I’m doing now.

I miss the challenge of doing something good.. Of doing something that would benefit a lot of people. I miss racking my brains until it can’t process anymore.

I dunno what to do now. I’m at lost on what to think. Distractions don’t work anymore.

My personal life sucks. And my work’s being such a bitch.

Can I still find something to look forward to each day?