Archive for the ‘Random Thoughts’ Category

Sometimes…

Posted: May 19, 2017 in Random Thoughts

There’s a lot of things going on in my mind right now…  There are things I wish I can do, things I wish I could say…

But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t disappear without a trace.  It’s still the end I wanted to have for myself, but I know I can’t do it.  No matter how sane I try to act, I still go back to this old dream – that sometime, in the future, I will be just a name… Untraceable.  Unknown.  I’ve already made plans on how to do it.  But even in my drawing board, I can find scenarios where it will fail.  Was it because I’m over-analyzing my plans?  Or was it because a tiny part of me wants to reach a ripe old age with people that I value?

I want to be free… Absolute freedom, without care of any possible repercussions, of consequences that might happen with my choices.  I feel lost and torn between my values, and what my darker side wants to do.  I’m tired.  I’m ready to give up.  I’m ready to let go of the little hope I have.

Maybe it’s about time that I let go.

I’m done fighting, trying to make myself better.  I’m done trying to do things to make people around me happy.  Whatever I do, I will never be good enough.

For them, I am worthless.  Maybe it’s time that I accept that.

Because sometimes, it’s better to lose.

 

 

Hiatus

Posted: May 11, 2017 in Random Thoughts

Been on an indefinite hiatus. No new post for the past 5 months or so. My thoughts were in constant motion. No definite direction. So for those months I was inactive, I was busy sorting — trying to find the beauty inside my chaotic mind.

2016 ended a bit good for me. It was a year of being able to achieve something — something that I can be proud of. But despite it being good, it wasn’t enough. No matter what I was able to get, I’m still not good enough.

This year, I’ve decided to try and be more positive. Try to have good vibes. Attract good karma. I still believe in Murphy’s Law — Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Only this time, I decided to change the way I react.

I don’t know if I can reach all my plans. I have decided to make this year all about becoming better.

It’s time for a hiatus from negativity.

After weeks of waiting, I finally got the result I was waiting for.

LET results were released this morning and I am fortunate to be one of the passers in the recently concluded September 2016 board exam for teachers.

I am happy, ecstatic… and thankful.

From being a person with no self-belief, who doubts her own capabilities, I managed to pass the board exam in just one take.  Today is a testament of what I can do — I just have to believe in myself, and always work hard.

One life goal was realized today… and I still have a lot of goals to cross out… in the coming days, weeks, even years.

But today, it’s just a day for happiness… A day to be thankful… a day to celebrate in my own little way.

I am thankful of this blessing from above… thankful for having people who supported and believed me when I doubted myself… I am thankful to everyone who helped me and provided me with the confidence boost I needed.

Maraming, maraming salamat. Sinong mag-aakala na ang isang tulad kong walang bilib sa sarili ay makakapasa sa board exam? Ngayon, mas paninindigan ko na ang lagi kong sinasabi sa iba na nangangailangan din ng moral boost — tiwala lungs!

Inside

Posted: October 9, 2016 in About Me, Poems, Random Thoughts
Tags: ,

I tried to keep it from showing
Each day I fake a smile
Just to keep it within

I kept to myself and pushed people away
And hid in a bubble of uncertainty
Desperately pushing it deep within

But the darkness inside me is stronger
It’s clawing its way out
Demanding to be released

——————————————————————–

An unfinished poem started back in February 2015… Been cleaning my files, and here’s something I have forgotten until today.

And here I am, more than a year after, but the darkness is still trying to come out. Been successful keeping it at bay – by focusing on the things I wanted to do… I’ve been successful so far. For how long, I don’t really know.

But I’ll try to keep on fighting this, because I am more than my DDS… I am more than what I think I am… And this darkness clawing its way out is just the part of me that I’ve buried with time.

From the corporate and BPO industry, I am now in the Educational field.

It was a huge change. A huge leap from what I was used to.

Sometimes, I can’t even stop myself from getting frustrated of some processes between the industry that I am in now versus those that I have been with. Aside from that, I am also comparing how it was when I was a student, and it was far too different.

One thing remains the same though… Names may change but the way students act or behave in class remains the same.

I am in my first year of teaching. I have encountered different students. Some are easy to get along with. Some just gets to your nerves.

I am challenged. I feel there’s a lot of things that I need to work on.

I am keeping it positive. I have to wing it.

 

  • Things may not go always as planned.  I should never stopped having back-ups.
  • Family is everything.  It doesn’t have to be just blood relatives.
  • My craft has been shelved – to give way to something not too important nor fulfilling.
  • Time is valuable – never take things for granted.
  • Overthinking helps in decision making.  But don’t overwork your brain.
  • Relationships come and go.  Never ask for anyone to stay.

And after all these days, after all these whirlwind of nauseous circumstances, I realized that it’s important to:

  • always keep my options open; and
  • never believe in anything, unless it’s in fine print.

Great Escape

Posted: May 20, 2016 in About Me, Random Thoughts
Tags: , ,

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It’s  been brewing for a few days now… A simple concoction of plans that will somehow, free the darkness gnawing inside me.

With a few tweaks here and there, my Great Escape is almost ready.  Just have to make sure that everything will go according to plan.  Not even a miniscule of mishap should happen.

The success of my Great Escape lies in perfect execution.

And yet…

A tiny voice inside asks to be patient.  That little spark of hope, of light, wants me to hold on.  It’s asking to drop my escape plans, to wait for that something to happen.

But…

I am too tired of being passive.  I need to be in action, be in control.  I need to be the one running my life how I want it.  With everyday becoming a struggle, my Great Escape is the only thing I am looking forward to.