Posts Tagged ‘Depression’

An Escape

Posted: April 9, 2016 in About Me, Random Thoughts
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I’ve been bombarded with negativity these past few weeks.  Too much negativity that I wanted to escape – just to breathe.

My thoughts are bombarded with what-ifs… with situations that ranging from valid ones, to wishful thinking…

Had we stayed where we used to live, will our family be broken like it is right now?  Will we end up how we are right now – lost and confused?  Will my father cheat?  Will my siblings take things for granted?  More importantly, will the bad things that I’ve went through happen?  Will I be shattered like how I am right now?

Had I chosen to face the darkness, will I continue to blame myself for every misfortune?  Will I be free of the insecurities that haunts me up to this day?  Will I feel like I matter?  That I am good enough to be blessed?

I feel like I am suffocating… that any moment from now, I will break down and cry for help.  The walls I’ve built are slowly crumbling, leaving me vulnerable from pain… making me susceptible to be engulfed in the darkness I once welcomed openly.

I need a trigger to keep myself from breaking…  I need to find a way to keep these negative energy at bay.  I want to be free.  I don’t want to carry these burdens anymore.  I’m tired of pretending I am strong for others.  I am tired of being an anchor.

This time, I want to escape.  To finally leave this abyss of pain and darkness that consumes my inner being.

 

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I’ve been broken… I’ve been shattered… in more ways than one can imagine.

In order to get up, and push through life, I’ve mended myself… Adhesives are handy, they put together each broken piece.

But each time I break, the pieces starts to get smaller.  If I was made of 100s of pieces before, I am now made of thousands of small pieces, held together by what little hope I have.

Now, I’m finding myself being broken again.  I don’t think these tapes and string are enough to glue me back together.  My pieces are not just in thousands now.

How can you pick up pieces that are too broken and more dust-like parts of who you are?

Desolate

Posted: February 18, 2016 in About Me, Poems
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Believe me, I tried.
I did all I could.
Different parts of me died.
And I am left in the cold.

Believe me, I tried.
I fought with all I’ve got.
No one’s at my side.
Winning is such a long shot.

Believe me, I tried.
I’ve bled and scarred.
Fate got my hands tied.
My outer shell, marred.

Now there’s just emptiness inside.
My dreams ruined and set aside.
With a grim heart, sadness intensified.
Melancholy, the only thing I exemplified.

Gambler

Posted: February 16, 2015 in About Me
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Once… more than that, it’s insanity.

That’s how I view things, people, and relationships.  I never believed in second chances.  It doesn’t go well with my thoughts…

At the first instance, I give my all.  Putting  everything at stake.  I never bluff.  It’s always all or nothing.

But losses after losses, I became broke.  I have become a shell of who I was before.  I thought that all I need was just some lucky shot.  One final card, an ace, a trump that would make me gain my losses.

Hell, I was wrong.  No matter what strategy I use, it’s the same outcome.

I would always lose.

It didn’t feel good.

Regrets… those are the only things I’ve gained.  Instead of the peace I sought, I end up being shattered.

Will things ever change for me?  I don’t think so.

I am tired of gambling.  Its time to cut the losses.

Permanently.

Hello 2015

Posted: January 12, 2015 in About Me
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New Year, new beginnings…

That’s what I always thought. I guess after years of hits and misses, I’m excused to be this way.

I didn’t welcome you with open arms…  I didn’t became as excited as I was the years before. I’ve become pessimistic… all because reality bites. It’s brought nothing but cynicism… indifference.

Hello 2015… what luck do you have in store for me? Am I going to have the same sort of luck I’ve been getting?

This year, I’ve had numerous hits and misses… In all aspect of my life.

I’ve been happy, been broken… been too afraid.  And got myself into an emotional roller-coaster that I didn’t thought I can get out.

I’ve been in love, been hurt… I’ve had an old flame hurt me physically and emotionally.  I was made to feel insignificant again.  I’ve ran away… I’ve pushed people away… I’ve kept some, but still kept them at a distance.

I’ve let go of someone because of my fears…

I’ve held on to someone I consider my rock.  Because during the time that I needed someone to help me get out, he was the only one who was there to give me a hand… I feel guilty… and thankful at the same time.  Guilty because I have hurt him before, but he still stayed.  I’m thankful because I know, he’s going to be here for me.

I’ve been hospitalized, my health deteriorated.  I quit a job and started a new one.  I don’t think I will last on this one too… But in a way, it helps me keep sane.

If last year, I’ve been bothered about my family problems, this year, I managed not to give a care.  Thinking of it will only hurt me.  I learned not to care so its easier.  So I would no longer think about infidelities, and losing respect for my father.

Just a few more days, this year will be over… Pretty soon, I’ll have another set of hits and misses…  Like every other year, I am wishing again for a better new year…

I don’t want another year of hits and misses.  I don’t want another year of believing that something good will happen to me.  Nothing did.  It will only be good for some time… but it will ultimately end with me questioning the very reason why I am still trying.

I’m done gambling.  I’ve had enough of hits and misses.

Lately, I realized nothing good has come my way.

It started with a relationship that broke me. I don’t want to admit it, but though it was I who ended things, it felt bad. Mainly because I realized I never mattered to him.

I’ve waited. I’ve given chances… Qualities that isn’t the least like me, but for him, I have been patient and forgiving.

Then now, my work. It’s supposed to be a scapegoat.. Somewhere I can retire to when I need to think and relax.

Two bad surveys… Two bad comments… That’s all it took for me to lose the little enthusiasm I have for what I’m doing now.

I miss the challenge of doing something good.. Of doing something that would benefit a lot of people. I miss racking my brains until it can’t process anymore.

I dunno what to do now. I’m at lost on what to think. Distractions don’t work anymore.

My personal life sucks. And my work’s being such a bitch.

Can I still find something to look forward to each day?