Posts Tagged ‘Family’

Alam naming wala ka nang balak uwian kami ngayong Pasko. Ramdam naman namin na kasama ka man namin ngayon physically, wala sa amin ang puso’t isipan mo.

Paano nga ba tayo umabot sa ganito? Tanda ko nung bata kami, lahat tayo nagsisimba pag Linggo, minsan nga’y nagsi-Simbang Gabi pa tayong pamilya. Pero ngayon, maswerte na kung makapag-sabay-sabay tayong kumain.

Taun-taon, umuuwi ka galling Saudi. Ilang taon na rin simula nung una kang umalis dahil kailangang tustusan mo yung humabol na bunsong kapatid namin… Walong taon na sya ngayon, lumalaking wala ka sa tabi nya.

Itong taon na to, malayo na ang loob naming mga nakatatandang anak mo sa iyo. Kung bakit nagka-ganun, hindi ko sigurado. Nung isang gabi lang, sinabi mo kay Mama na huling taon mo na ito sa amin. Na magpapadala ka na lang ng sapat sa gastusin sa bahay at para sa bunso. Sabi mo, panahon na para isipin mo ang sarili mo.

Oo nga, panahon na para isipin mo ang sarili mo. Lalo na ngayon na merong ibang babaeng nakakapagpasaya kayo.

Hindi kami tanga. Nababasa naming ang mga post ninyo sa Facebook. Ang tawagan ninyong “mahal ko”, ang mga patagong text at tawag na ginagawa mo sa terrace.

Hindi kami tanga, lalong hindi kami manhid. Malayo man ang loob namin ngayon sa iyo, ikaw pa rin ang ama namin. Masakit pa rin para sa amin na unti-unti na naming nararamdaman ang napipintong pagkasira ng pamilya natin.

Alam namin na malaki ang kasalanan namin sayo. Sabi mo nga, wala kaming pagpapahalaga sa mga naipundar mo… na parang wala man lang kaming drive na mabago buhay namin… na karamihan, inia-asa pa rin namin sa iyo.

Pero Papa, naisip mo ba kung bakit kami umabot sa ganito? Natatandaan mo ba kung paano mo kami pagsalitaan? Kung paano mo iparamdam sa amin na anumang gawin namin ay hindi sapat… Minamaliit mo kami. Si Mama na wala na ngayong trabaho, ako at ang mga kapatid kong naging pabaya.

Hindi kami perpekto. Maraming pagkakataong nagpabaya kami. Pero sa tuwing sinisikap naming umahon, gumawa ng bagay na ika-aangat namin, pinapagsalitaan mo kami ng hindi maganda. Dumadating pa sa puntong iniiwasan ka namin dahil alam naming wala kang sasabihin sa amin kundi mura at kung anu-ano pang masasakit na salita.

Gusto ko sanang sabihin sa iyo na bigyan mo pa sana ng isa pang chance ang pamilya natin… Na subukan nating ayusin… Subukan nating iayos yung pamilya, tutal meron pa kaming nakababatang kapatid. Pero sabi mo nga, bato ka na ngayon… Tapos na ang obligasyon mo sa amin, yung bunso na lang ang iintindihin mo.

Kaya eto, muli kaming gumagawa ng mga hakbang para baguhin ang mundo namin. Sana magawa namin nang tama. Dahil ikaw na sariling ama namin, ay nagawa na kaming sukuan at bumitaw.

JE001

Posted: January 6, 2010 in About Me
Tags: , ,

I’m full of hatred today…  My alter-ego’s gone back to her cocoon… The one outside is the part that is full of hatred and pain.

I took a vacation in the province to feel peace.  Whenever I’m with my grandmother, I always felt at peace.  It’s as if there’s nothing that can go wrong.

When I came back here, my mind’s filled with dark thoughts again.  Thoughts of running away from my problems started pouring in.  I even had thoughts of hitting the walls again.  Just so I can release some of the anger and pain I have inside me.

Thinking about the reason/cause of them all points down to my parents.  My dad who’s here just for vacation, can’t seem to find anything good in whatever I do.  I made the effort to cook our Noche Buena.. and instead of any kind word about it, all I got to hear was: “Is that all you can do?”.   And there’s my mom.  She always act as if I have never done anything for anyone in my family.  She’s fond of pulling me down each time I try to lift myself up.

Dammit.  I can never do good.  Everything I’ve done is never enough…  I need not hear harsh words when I am still struggling.  I can’t take a step forward because I would always need to have their approval.  I wanted to stand on my own but they kept on pulling me down.

When they’re angry at me, they often tell me to get lost and live on my own.  When I leave the house, they’d tell me to go back… I don’t know where to stand anymore.

I’m the type who loves to scribble/type whatever it is that’s inside my head. Everywhere I go, I always have a small notebook and pen so I can write each idea that will pop.

I’ll put 3 compositions, more of thoughts, that I typed while I was still working at Maersk. The following were written in Filipino, my native tongue.. smile

-*-

– 2008 March 31 –

Nagsasawa na ako sa buhay ko. Wala na kasing bago. Parang lahat na lang ng gawin ko, kulang.. Kung hindi naman, wala akong ginawang tama.

Makailang beses ko na bang tinangkang kitlin itong buhay ko? Pinigilan kong humiya, naglaslas ng pulso… Pati nga ang pekein ang isang aksidente sa motorsiklo, ginawa ko na. Lahat para lang wakasan lahat ng nararamdaman kong sakit, hirap… at higit sa lahat, kabiguan.

Duwag kasi ako. Takot ako sa lahat ng bagay na nakapagdudulot ng sakit. Duwag akong madapa ulit. Nagtatapang-tapangan lang ako para hindi nila ako masaktan. Nagsusuot ng maskara para walang makakita ng mga kahinaan ko…

Kagabi, muli kong pinangarap kung paano ang magiging wakas. Kahit sa magiging huling araw ko, may pangarap ako. Mababaw lang naman ang mga ‘yun. Pero pangarap ko talaga na: makakain ng relyenong bangus mula umaga hanggang gabi, magpunta sa park para manood lang ng mga tao, tumakbo hanggang sa bumagsak na lang sa pagod… at higit sa lahat, ang hindi na muling magising pa galing sa pagtulog.

Oo, larawan ako ng isang tao na duwang at sawang-sawa na sa buhay. Patapon na ako kaya anuman ang gawin ko ay wala ng magbabago.

– 2008 April 19 –

Mahigit isang buwan na pala. Matagal na pala kaming hindi nag-uusap ng mga magulang ko. Anong masasabi ko? Masaya pala ‘yon… Masaya dahil walang nakikialam sa’yo. Walang nagagalit. Kahit sa tingin ng iba, masama ang tikisin ang sariling magulang, mas gusto ko na ito kaysa lagi na lang masisi sa mga kasalanang ‘di ko naman ginawa.

Sawa na kasi akong masisi. Sawa na akong marining kung paano akong nabuo, kung paano naging sila. Nakaririndi na kasi ang ganung mga pangungusap. May hangganan ang kaya kong intindihin…

Kaya ngayon, hirap ako. Hirap akong matulog. Hirap akong pagkasyahin ‘yung sweldo ko. Hindi naman kasi pwedeng basta na lang kumuha ako sa nakatago. Mahirap ipaliwanag iyon eh.

Paano mo ipapaliwanang yung sa ibang paraan mo nakuha?

Kaya heto ako ngayon, nagpupumilit magpakasimple kahit nasanay sa maluhong pamumuhay. Sa dinami-dami ng luho ko, iilan na lang ang natitira… Ang sakit sa ulo. Higit sa lahat, ang hirap tanggapin…

– 2009 January 8 –

Bagong taon, bagong buhay. Bagong grupo, bagong mga kasama… Dapat masaya. Dapat walang mga pinagsisisihan. Kung ano ako ngayon ay epekto o resulta ng mga naging desisyon dati.

May mga plano ako ngayong taon. Mga planong ‘di ko alam kung matutupad ko. Kasi ba naman, pinangungunahan ng kung anu-anong takot at kaba. Pwede kayang isantabi muna ang mga takot at harapin ng may lakas kung ano man ang parating?

Mas makabubuti kayang biglain ang pagkakataon para walang oras ng masayang sa pag-iisip? Napapansin ko kasing mas madalas na puro isip lang bago iyong mismong gawa. Kaya ang resulta? Wala… Sa kaiisip kasi nauubos ang oras ko eh!

-*-

There… 3 different dates… different thoughts, different rattles and rambles…

 

The 8th Day

Posted: July 8, 2009 in About Me
Tags: , ,

It’s the 8th day of the month.. As usual, my mom asked her aunt to cook some pancit and biko… See, my youngest sister (only 4 y/o) was born on the 8th day of February. Every month, we make it a point to cook something for her… a sort of offering ‘coz if we don’t she gets sick… and each one of us will follow suit.

Since it’s the 8th of the month, I remembered what happened almost 5 years ago. My mom asked me to buy her a pregnancy kit. Imagine my dilemma ‘coz that time, I was acting like a guy. I was like: “There’s no way I’m gonna buy that!”. However, since I’m the eldest, I ended up still buying one for her.

Wearing an oversized shirtm, maong shorts and a baseball cap, I went to this small pharmacy. Inside, I whispered to the pharmacist/sales lady that I’m looking for pregnancy kit. I was so humiliated when she shouted at the her colleague, from the far end of the store, that I was buying a blue pregnancy kit! I hurriedly went home when she gave me one because I could hear some people whispering: “Tingnan mo yun, pa-tomboy tomboy pa kuno, malandi naman pala…”

When I got home, I narrated to my mom everything that happened inside that store. I swear, she was laughing so hard at me… Instead of showing how angry I was because of that incident, I immediately asked her to try the kit and see if she’s really pregnant.

To cut the story short, my mom was 2 months pregnant that time. So I was always accompanying her to each of her monthly check ups. Aside from that, I was excited to have a baby sister or brother para maging kakampi ko.. *hehe*

8th of February 2005, a few weeks after my work started, my mom gave birth to a healthy baby girl who weighs 8.5lbs… We planned to video the whole giving birth thingy but my dad was against it. The next day, I went to the hospital after work and bought a cake to celebrate with my family. That night, all of us stayed in the hospital, each trying to carry the baby whenever she’s taken out of the nursery room.

Now, my baby sister is already 4 years old. Stubborn like her older siblings but looks a lot like our dad. Right now, we’re actually calling her JR (short for junior) because one of her name is the feminine form of my dad’s name.. *hehe*

Emotions on the Run

Posted: June 28, 2009 in About Me
Tags: , ,

I felt tired and beat from all the problems I’ve been facing since last month..

I felt cheated when I learned of my friend’s plan.. I’m not included! sad

I got angry coz my sister’s being so damn difficult again!

I was frustrated when one of my plans for today did not pushed through.

I’ve been glad with the way my other friends were trying to reach out.

I was surprised coz I got the correct number of dolphins in the image posted at http://chorvacheorvamus.blogspot.com/…

—————

Today’s been full of emotions. I wonder what tomorrow will bring? Will there be happiness? Sadness? Remorse? Or will it be joyous? Hmnn..

An Update

Posted: June 26, 2009 in About Me
Tags: , ,

@work:

I have submitted my resignation letter.. effective July 15

@home:

I have discussed my plans with my mom..

@training:

3 more service to go before wine mixing starts! I can’t wait! *lol*

@blog:

I will create a new URL for my blogs… I’ll just transfer them.

@personal life:

What the h*** is that? *lol*

 

She was born out of foolishness, out of pleasure. She’s not like the others who are born out of love. She was conceived coz they weren’t careful… coz they allowed themselves to consummate their libido.

They were married… and she was given a name. The forbidden child now has two parents to look after her… to care for her. Years passed and she’s got two younger siblings… no, make it three. The mother’s currently pregnant.

The forbidden child grew up; feeling the false love her parents has for her. Why false love? Coz for every misfortune, for every problem that shatters the parent’s marriage, she was being blamed. It wasn’t put into surface until she reached her teens. At that age, she heard those words that caused her to question her own existence and the thing she called family.

“Kung hindi dahil sa’yo, hindi magiging kami!
Hindi sana ganito ang buhay ko!”

Such harsh words came from her parents’ mouth. These words created confusion to the mind of the forbidden child. She started asking herself of her fault. Worse, she started to blame herself for the family’s misfortune!

The forbidden child lived a difficult life… physical pain… emotional torments… sexual assaults. She sank deeper. She lost her self. She lost self-love… self-respect. She thought low of herself. She felt like nobody… co-existing with the people around her only to be hurt by them!

She’s been alive for 20 years, and more than 7 months. But the problem’s still there. She’s still the same forbidden child her father detest, and her mother hated. She’s still longing for the love and respect only those people can give. She’s lost, knowing that she’ll forever be the forbidden child.

And you know what? That forbidden child is me… Yep! Me!