Posts Tagged ‘Fears’

Broken

Posted: August 19, 2014 in Random Thoughts
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I’m a broken girl, damaged, and don’t know if I can be whole again.  I even stopped hoping that someday I will be fixed…  because I know, I’m far too shattered to be put back together.

Then I met him.   He made me hope…  Knowing him made me want to be whole again… So, I can be enough for him.

I gambled.  I gave it a chance, despite my mind telling me that I’m in for another set of pain…  My mind told me I’ve had enough. That I’m far too shattered to give myself another beating – another heartache.

He said he’s serious, but we need to take things really, really slow.  I agreed, though there are buzzes in my head telling me that I’m surely in for another set of pain.  I didn’t listen to my head.  I followed my heart.  After years of being distant, of being radical about love, I gave myself the go signal to give it a try.

I was happy.  He makes me happy.  But the distance, the inconsistent communication got in the way.  I didn’t want to demand his time.  Because a part of me thinks I’ll only get what I deserve.  Yet, I’ve given him parts of me that I have never given anyone else… I’ve done things for him that I never thought I’d do.  That was how much I love him.

A few weeks ago, nightmares came to me.  And a few days ago, the nightmare came true.  Someone from my past came back to haunt me.  I’m reminded of how weak I am, of how broken I was.  That few minutes that I’ve struggled to get away from my past was enough to shatter the little piece of me that I have glued together.

Fear had gripped me.  I can’t help but repeat what my past told me…  That I’ll never be good enough for anyone… that no matter who I choose, I’ll be treated like crap – cause that’s what I am.

And I guess, I just have to believe it.  I’m far too broken, way too shattered for anyone.  No one wants to have damaged goods.  I guess, I’ll just have to accept it.  Because even though I thought he can help me heal, it’s just wishful thinking…

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I Wish…

Posted: January 19, 2014 in About Me
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All my life, I’ve kept things inside… I never want to show my weakness.  I never wanted people to pity me.

I became destructive – punching walls, cutting myself.  It’s what I could do to ease what I’m feeling.  It’s my own way of releasing the turmoil inside me.

I learned to write.  But whenever I do, I have to keep reaching deeper… I need to awaken things I’ve buried deep within, feelings I have pushed further down my being.

I wish I could be normal. I wish I can act like one.  But every time I think I’m on my way to being one, something drastic would happen…

And I’m tired.  A huge part of me just wants to give up.  Almost 3 decades will pass, and I’m still nowhere I want to be.

Takot Ako

Posted: September 10, 2009 in Filipino (Tagalog) Posts
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May kinakatakutan pa rin talaga ako. Akala ko, unti-unti kong mahaharap lahat ng takot ko. Hindi pala. Hindi pala lahat ng takot ay dapat harapin. May ibang kailangang ipagpaliban muna.

Takot ako sa pusa. Dati, makarinig lang ako ng “meow” nito, natitigilan ako. Kapag may dumaan sa harapan ko, napapahinto ako. Hanggang ngayon, ganun pa rin. Pero ngayon, kaya ko ng dumiretso kapag nakakita ako nito. Naaalis ko na ba ang mga takot ko sa pusa? Pwedeng oo, pwedeng hindi. Siguro, ayos lang sa akin ang makita o makarinig ng huni niya. Wag lang siyang lalapit, ibang usapan na yun.

Takot din pala ako sa dugo. Hematophobic ako. Ito ang rason bakit hindi ako sa larangan ng medisina kahit gusto ko yun. Makakita lang ako ng dugo, hinihimatay ako… Kahit nga nung naglaslas ako, mainit sa pakiramdam ang paglabas niya sa aking katawan… pero nung nakita ko na ang dugo ko sa sahig, hinimatay ako. Huling pagtatangka, pasko ng taong 2002…

At ang isa sa nakapagdudulot sa akin ng matinding takot? Hindi hayop, bagay, o pangyayari. Sa katunayan, muli akong sinasaniban ng takot. Bumalik kasi siya. Siya na ilang beses ko nang iniwasan at tinaguan. Muling nauulit ang siklo naming dalawa.

Kung hanggang kailan itong takot ko, wala akong ideya. Ayoko siyang harapin. Masyadong masakit at nakakatakot ang mga nagawa niya dati sa akin.

Kung bakit pa kasi nangyari yun, di sana, kaibigan ko pa rin siya hanggang ngayon. Di sana ako tulad sa isang daga na kung saan-saang lungga pumapasok.

Blood Thirsty

Posted: March 14, 2008 in About Me
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I am suicidal. I’m not ashamed of it. Its not something I’m also proud of. But, my suicidal days are still vivid parts of my being.

I’ve slashed my wrists and stabbed myself. I even faked a motorcycle accident. Being a person who hides what she feels made it difficult for me to handle problems. Writing became a useless outlet when my problems suffocated me.

I am at this phase… the phase where I most often thought of ending my life again. Problems everywhere. Home, work, personal ones… I hate what they’re making me feel. Useless, unworthy, a nuisance, a black sheep.

I’m thirsty for blood. My own blood. I want to feel it ooze out of my body again. But this time, I’d close my eyes… to welcome that warm feeling and…

To keep myself from losing consciousness because of hematophobia.

Since I was a child, I feared the sight of blood. And the mere smell of it makes me feel ill. Earlier, I tried facing my fear. Call me insane… or losing my wits, but that’s the only way I thought could take my fear of blood.

So there, I took the athame Dhie gave me. And without thinking twice, I slashed my thigh with it. Slowly, blood trickled down my legs. I know I’m beginning to faint when I started to feel the warm blood coursing down.

I was about to do it again when my hand lost its grip of the athame. My attempt to kill my fear proved pointless. Coz at the last minute, of doing what could’ve been the extreme, I found myself quitting.

Now, I’m left with a wound to heal. The sudden rush of pain is as thrilling as speeding your way on a highway in a motorbike, without any helmet. The warmth brought by the blood is almost the same as the coolness of wind at faster pace.

Heck, come to think of it, I just missed cutting myself to release the tensions… the fears… I would have surpassed that ordeal. I know that for sure, only if I haven’t seen my blood ooze out of my body.