Posts Tagged ‘Feelings/Emotions’

Nothing

Posted: November 29, 2016 in About Me
Tags: , ,

I’ve tried hard.  I’ve pushed myself into crossing out everything on my list.  But all of my goals, they are nothing.

I followed what I was told to do.  I’ve managed to survive.  I’ve made changes, I’ve compromised.  Yet, all those efforts were for nothing.

I’ve worked on being better, of having a more positive outlook in life.  Yet, here I am, in the darkest corner of my room… wallowing in self-pity.

Because no matter what I do, no matter what I achieve, they all mean nothing.

All I wanted was for a better treatment, to at least see a ray of light, that things will be better.  But such is not the case.

I act tough.  I act like nothing could break me.  But inside this shell, my dust-sized self shrinks to something much smaller…  more coarse, more raw.

I am beginning to hate myself more.  For exerting effort onto something just so I can feel like I matter.  But I don’t… and now I’m contemplating whether or not to just set fire on these so called accomplishments.

Coz no matter what I do, achieve and reach, they will never be enough.  Hell, I am never enough.

Might as well make my walls thicker, and higher.  Might as well keep up with the pretense that I don’t give a damn about anything.  Maybe I need to let the fires consume me and leave all the water to evaporate.

In the end, it’s the only thing keeping me sane.  It’s the only thing that keeps my walls up, locking the emptiness within.

A step closer to an imminent end.
A step closer to a finale penned.
A step away from claws of the past.
A step away from tears cried last.

Two years after three decades:
It’s still a step forward,
A couple of leaps backward.
Confidence wanes, certainty fades.

Two years after three decades:
It’s breaking out of a shell,
Retreating in a well-guarded cell.
A worse-case scenario of charades.

A step into a crypt of uncertainty.
A step into a closed infinity.
A step into an ephemeral bliss.
A step into a welcomed abyss.

I’ve been broken… I’ve been shattered… in more ways than one can imagine.

In order to get up, and push through life, I’ve mended myself… Adhesives are handy, they put together each broken piece.

But each time I break, the pieces starts to get smaller.  If I was made of 100s of pieces before, I am now made of thousands of small pieces, held together by what little hope I have.

Now, I’m finding myself being broken again.  I don’t think these tapes and string are enough to glue me back together.  My pieces are not just in thousands now.

How can you pick up pieces that are too broken and more dust-like parts of who you are?

Ending…

Posted: January 1, 2016 in About Me, Random Thoughts
Tags: ,

2015 just ended.

I don’t know whether I should be thankful… A lot of things happened to me in 2015 – some good, others are bad.

Looking back, there are a lot of things I have planned for 2015 that didn’t happened.  There’s also a lot of things that I did not expected to happen.

Another year just passed.  I should be looking forward to 2016.  I should be hoping for something good this year.

However, I’m done wishing for the year to be a good one.

I’m just gonna wing 2016… and hope that whatever happens this year, I will be prepared to face them.

 

Sometimes, I find myself wishing for feelings to be mended and gaps closed…  sometimes I wish we can just pick up where the relationship ended.

I waited… planned to give chances.  Sometimes, I even thought of crossing lines in making sure I did whatever I could to save whatever I can.

But it’s not right.

In an effort to bring back what I lost, I failed to see the reason why I lost it.

I had been caught up with the illusion of my failed relationship, that I was willing to compromise.  I was willing to let someone come back, despite never believing in giving chances.

Since I was the one at fault, I thought that it was okay to break my own rule, let go of my own principle, just to make amends…  I have what-if scenarios wherein I am doing the right thing.

I almost gave in to the illusion.  From a recent conversation with him, my clouded judgement became clear.

And in that same moment, I decided to let go and finally move on.

I’m in between…
Torn between choices, unable to decide.
Same cons, different pros.
Yet, I’m still lost on which to choose.

I’m in between…
Standing at this crossroad,
Unsure which one to take.
Both looks the same.

I’m in between…
Should I be strong and keep this facade?
Or should I accept defeat and embrace the pain.
What should I pick?

I’m in between:
A part of me wants you to be here, with me…
Another wants to let things run its course…
And accept that this is the end.

I’ve done it again.  I pushed someone away.  Someone who meant a lot to me.  Someone I wanted to stay.

I thought it will last.  We’ve been together for quite a long time now.  I’m not afraid to say that I can see a future with him.  But I let my fears take over.

A misunderstanding.  A pretty simple one that I have blown out of proportion.  It is after-all, my best talent.  I just have a knack of pushing people away, once I get to show them my vulnerable side.

I lost him.  I lost the person I love. Because I let my fears surface.  Because my trust wavered.  Instead of understanding and asking for explanation, I jumped into conclusions.  Apparently, I am not yet “cured” of my fears.

I bailed out on him instead of him bailing out on me.

I love him.  But I have also hurt him.  No amount of sorry can bring him back.  He decided not to, despite me swallowing my pride and saying that I still want him beside me.

I screwed up.  Big time.

And I have no one to blame but myself…  My incurable feeling of being inadequate…  My fear of being not good enough for anyone.

As I cry myself to sleep tonight, I can only dream of the what-have-been’s…  It’s the only thing I have left.