Posts Tagged ‘Love’

Sometimes I wish I could’ve gone with you.  I wished to be in the same state with you 14 years ago.  Those hours in comatose, I could’ve spent it with you…  I should’ve breathed my last the moment you did.

But ever the rational one, you shielded me.  In that freak accident, you managed to think of me.  Had you not covered me, we would’ve both been in the same situation – 6 feet under.

You were selfish.  You didn’t thought of what I would feel about you leaving me.  I would’ve gladly joined you wherever you are, because it’s only with you that I am free.  It’s only with you that I felt I can do everything I set my mind to do.

Now, 14 years passed.  I find myself still visiting your grave, asking you why you had to leave me.  I still remember.  I still miss being with you…

And you know what hurts?  It’s being there at our favorite place, and seeing it as if you were still there…  asking me to sit beside you while you paint…  Laying down beside you while we look at the moon and stars.

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Sometimes, I find myself wishing for feelings to be mended and gaps closed…  sometimes I wish we can just pick up where the relationship ended.

I waited… planned to give chances.  Sometimes, I even thought of crossing lines in making sure I did whatever I could to save whatever I can.

But it’s not right.

In an effort to bring back what I lost, I failed to see the reason why I lost it.

I had been caught up with the illusion of my failed relationship, that I was willing to compromise.  I was willing to let someone come back, despite never believing in giving chances.

Since I was the one at fault, I thought that it was okay to break my own rule, let go of my own principle, just to make amends…  I have what-if scenarios wherein I am doing the right thing.

I almost gave in to the illusion.  From a recent conversation with him, my clouded judgement became clear.

And in that same moment, I decided to let go and finally move on.

I’m in between…
Torn between choices, unable to decide.
Same cons, different pros.
Yet, I’m still lost on which to choose.

I’m in between…
Standing at this crossroad,
Unsure which one to take.
Both looks the same.

I’m in between…
Should I be strong and keep this facade?
Or should I accept defeat and embrace the pain.
What should I pick?

I’m in between:
A part of me wants you to be here, with me…
Another wants to let things run its course…
And accept that this is the end.

I’ve done it again.  I pushed someone away.  Someone who meant a lot to me.  Someone I wanted to stay.

I thought it will last.  We’ve been together for quite a long time now.  I’m not afraid to say that I can see a future with him.  But I let my fears take over.

A misunderstanding.  A pretty simple one that I have blown out of proportion.  It is after-all, my best talent.  I just have a knack of pushing people away, once I get to show them my vulnerable side.

I lost him.  I lost the person I love. Because I let my fears surface.  Because my trust wavered.  Instead of understanding and asking for explanation, I jumped into conclusions.  Apparently, I am not yet “cured” of my fears.

I bailed out on him instead of him bailing out on me.

I love him.  But I have also hurt him.  No amount of sorry can bring him back.  He decided not to, despite me swallowing my pride and saying that I still want him beside me.

I screwed up.  Big time.

And I have no one to blame but myself…  My incurable feeling of being inadequate…  My fear of being not good enough for anyone.

As I cry myself to sleep tonight, I can only dream of the what-have-been’s…  It’s the only thing I have left.

Still You

Posted: September 16, 2014 in On Relationships
Tags: , , ,

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  It’s been weeks since I ended things between us but I still think of you… a lot.  Even the little things that has little connection to you makes me think of what I’d had with you.

I wanted to talk to you… and tell you that I miss you.  That I still love you.  Yet, I’m afraid that just like before, it won’t mean anything to you.

I’m already hurting now… and I can’t help but to hate myself for longing for someone who clearly does not feel the same.  The rational side of me wants to choose the one before you.  Because unlike you, he’s still here for me.  Even months after I ended things with him, and knowing I hurt him, he still choose to stay with me… Telling me that his feelings hasn’t changed.

It would be easier if I’ll just go back to him.  But I can’t.

Because despite knowing that it’s only me who’s hurting when I ended things with you, it’s still you.  It’s you that I’m still waiting for, though I know you don’t feel the same.  It’s still you that I want, despite knowing that you no longer want to do anything with me.

I’m starting to have hope… that somehow I will be okay.  That I just need more time, then I’ll be okay.

I’m starting to take away the feeling of love.  It has brought me nothing but pain.  I guess it’s time to accept the fact that it’s one of the things not meant for me.

I’m starting to pick up the shattered pieces of myself.  I needed to do this myself.  Because I can’t rely on anyone else.  From now on, it’s just me, myself, and I.

Just a few more tears, and a few more days to drown myself in dark thoughts.  I will move on.  I will be whole again.

And I know, I won’t be able to start with this, if not for my only knight and king…  Even in the afterlife, he’s still taking care of me, giving me the boost I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and face whatever it is coming my way.

Broken

Posted: August 19, 2014 in Random Thoughts
Tags: , , ,

I’m a broken girl, damaged, and don’t know if I can be whole again.  I even stopped hoping that someday I will be fixed…  because I know, I’m far too shattered to be put back together.

Then I met him.   He made me hope…  Knowing him made me want to be whole again… So, I can be enough for him.

I gambled.  I gave it a chance, despite my mind telling me that I’m in for another set of pain…  My mind told me I’ve had enough. That I’m far too shattered to give myself another beating – another heartache.

He said he’s serious, but we need to take things really, really slow.  I agreed, though there are buzzes in my head telling me that I’m surely in for another set of pain.  I didn’t listen to my head.  I followed my heart.  After years of being distant, of being radical about love, I gave myself the go signal to give it a try.

I was happy.  He makes me happy.  But the distance, the inconsistent communication got in the way.  I didn’t want to demand his time.  Because a part of me thinks I’ll only get what I deserve.  Yet, I’ve given him parts of me that I have never given anyone else… I’ve done things for him that I never thought I’d do.  That was how much I love him.

A few weeks ago, nightmares came to me.  And a few days ago, the nightmare came true.  Someone from my past came back to haunt me.  I’m reminded of how weak I am, of how broken I was.  That few minutes that I’ve struggled to get away from my past was enough to shatter the little piece of me that I have glued together.

Fear had gripped me.  I can’t help but repeat what my past told me…  That I’ll never be good enough for anyone… that no matter who I choose, I’ll be treated like crap – cause that’s what I am.

And I guess, I just have to believe it.  I’m far too broken, way too shattered for anyone.  No one wants to have damaged goods.  I guess, I’ll just have to accept it.  Because even though I thought he can help me heal, it’s just wishful thinking…