Posts Tagged ‘Melancholy’

A step closer to an imminent end.
A step closer to a finale penned.
A step away from claws of the past.
A step away from tears cried last.

Two years after three decades:
It’s still a step forward,
A couple of leaps backward.
Confidence wanes, certainty fades.

Two years after three decades:
It’s breaking out of a shell,
Retreating in a well-guarded cell.
A worse-case scenario of charades.

A step into a crypt of uncertainty.
A step into a closed infinity.
A step into an ephemeral bliss.
A step into a welcomed abyss.

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Somewhere…

Posted: November 25, 2015 in Random Thoughts
Tags: , ,

I don’t know where I’m going at right now.  The plans I’ve made for this year are all changed.  The path I’m currently taking were too different from where I thought I ought to be.

Sometimes, I wished I could go back in time, to make changes… or to just stop, and see if I am going where I want to be.

But when faced with the chance to make that change I seem to be desperate for, I always choose to move forward.

Right now, I know I am somewhere I never imagined myself to be.  I don’t think I’m faking it.  I just wish that this current somewhere I’m in, will eventually lead to a fixed point – a permanent path where I’ll never go astray.

I recently turned 31. How does it feel? It felt nothing.

Nothing special, nothing to look forward to.  Not even a sense of accomplishment came with this turning of the year for me.

I’ve been alive for another year…  Another year of not knowing where things would fall into.  Will I finally find what it is I’m looking for?  Will I finally be happy?  Will I be content?

I spent my birthday searching… reflecting… trying to find reasons to keep me going.

Did I find any? Na-da. Zero. Zilch. None.

I was supposed to enjoy, to have fun…  But I opted to spend it in silence.  In quietness.  In my own world.  The pretense of trying to make it a special day left a bitter taste in the mouth.

My friends say 31 is still relatively young.  I still have a lot of years in front me.  I shouldn’t focus on the negative stuff that happened to me.  Still…

31 years… and counting…

No more wishing for something good to happen.

It has come.  She has waited for this for years.  Always hoping, always doing things to be there, but never getting the actual chance to.

Today’s that day.  Today, she’s going to let go of everything – of everything she’s been through… Pain, physical abuse, emotional torment… and hurt.

She’s getting them off her chest, deciding she’ll feel lighter… more free.

She had burned them all – memoirs of everything she had… pictures on her wall, stories she’d written… and anything that symbolizes whatever she’d had before.  Papers, notebooks, photos, packets… and even boxes of mementos were all thrown in a drum and left blazing under the scorching heat of the sun.

She’s finally let go of the physical reminder of her past.  Of a life full of struggles, lies and deceit.  Now it’s the intangible remnants that she needs to let go…  Feelings that had accumulated well in time.  Emotions she had kept inside, bottled tight, kept in the darkest of her being.

One by one, she uttered the names of the people who’d hurt her.  Thoughts of how they hurt her flashed in her mind.  She felt weak, she felt lost.  But she continued with tormenting herself with remembering.

Sad girl in a corner by Purpledino1

It’s best to remember them now… It’s all part of her process of moving on.

She’s finally decided on the best way to end it.  Her choice may not be a popular one, but it gave her peace.  She’s finally getting what she needs… It wasn’t love nor acceptance.  It wasn’t friendship nor trust.

It was inner peace.  And now, she can finally feel it within her reach.

With sobs gone, and her feelings calm… She closed her eyes… And pulled the trigger she aimed at her heart.

Finally, she found her peace.

 

*** Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the image attached here. ***

flowchart

She tried fixing everything.  She even changed, thinking it’s what’s needed for everything to be okay.  But it didn’t.  Things never got better.  Everything crashed.  Everything hurt.

She chose not to feel… to have her mind controlling everything.  She carefully extracted every ounce of emotion lurking inside her.  She kept them bottled up, and had a default reaction.

She kept to herself.  She opted to be alone.  If she’s by herself, there’s no chance that someone can hurt her, right?  If she’s alone, it’s only her who will matter.  She doesn’t need to give a damn to anyone, to anything… except herself… and what makes her at ease.

With a web of interlinked scenarios, and feelings as the outcome, she had devised a flow chart…  A process that would dictate how she will act, how she will feel when different situations are presented to her.

It all got well.  It all got better.  She believed she’s free from pain and hurt.  But it was short-lived.

Soon, the bottled up emotions had built-up.  The pain, the anger, the hurt and depression came in at waves.  She went back to her blueprint, checked back if there’s any course that would give her a way to deal with the magnitude of emotions she’s feeling…  Finding none, she tried to keep mum, tried to silence the agony inside her.

Now, she’s exploding.  No amount of tears can stop the pain.  No matter how many walls she’s punched, there’s still anger inside her.  So she did the only thing she knew…

She gave in to depression.

Staring at her lifeless eyes, she gave her knuckles the one last punch it was craving for.  She hit the full-sized mirror in front of her.  Hearing the shatter brought her out of the trance she was in.  Glancing at her bloodied hand, at the broken mirror on her feet, she bent and pick up one of the bigger pieces.

She knew that in her flowchart, what she’s about to do is taboo.  She knew that once she pushed with her thoughts, it meant she’d already given up… and it’s something that she never considered when she created her flowchart.

Shaking her self-guessing away, she held the broken mirror above her head…  Took a deep breath, and pushed its pointed end to where all her problems were coming from…

Her heart.

 

 

***Disclaimer:***
I do not own the image posted in this blog
Image taken from http://www.healerslibrary.com/flowcharts/Trapped_Emotion_FlowChart.pdf

Ranted Thoughts

Posted: May 30, 2014 in About Me, Poems
Tags: ,

… Nothing but an empty shell
A remnant of what once was
An escapee from hell
Filled with shadows from the past

… Nothing but a struggling being
Molding herself to whatever form
Picking up masks for the day’s taking
Surviving and not minding norms

… But an insignificant spot
Utilizing space, pretending I matter
Bound to lose, and prove herself
Despite wanting to be non-existent

Everything s*cks right now.  I can’t pretend I’m okay anymore.  I hate everything.

I’m nobody.  I’m not worth anything.  Hell, I would want to indulge in these dark thoughts.  It’s happier there.  I’d be at peace.

I can’t pretend anymore.  I’m on the edge.  To be told time and time again how worthless you are, how you mean nothing to anyone, even to your own family, it’s sickening.  It’s condemning.

I just want it to end soon.  I’m too tired.  I can’t keep on pretending.  I want to give up now.