Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Sometimes I wish I could’ve gone with you.  I wished to be in the same state with you 14 years ago.  Those hours in comatose, I could’ve spent it with you…  I should’ve breathed my last the moment you did.

But ever the rational one, you shielded me.  In that freak accident, you managed to think of me.  Had you not covered me, we would’ve both been in the same situation – 6 feet under.

You were selfish.  You didn’t thought of what I would feel about you leaving me.  I would’ve gladly joined you wherever you are, because it’s only with you that I am free.  It’s only with you that I felt I can do everything I set my mind to do.

Now, 14 years passed.  I find myself still visiting your grave, asking you why you had to leave me.  I still remember.  I still miss being with you…

And you know what hurts?  It’s being there at our favorite place, and seeing it as if you were still there…  asking me to sit beside you while you paint…  Laying down beside you while we look at the moon and stars.

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Sometimes, I find myself wishing for feelings to be mended and gaps closed…  sometimes I wish we can just pick up where the relationship ended.

I waited… planned to give chances.  Sometimes, I even thought of crossing lines in making sure I did whatever I could to save whatever I can.

But it’s not right.

In an effort to bring back what I lost, I failed to see the reason why I lost it.

I had been caught up with the illusion of my failed relationship, that I was willing to compromise.  I was willing to let someone come back, despite never believing in giving chances.

Since I was the one at fault, I thought that it was okay to break my own rule, let go of my own principle, just to make amends…  I have what-if scenarios wherein I am doing the right thing.

I almost gave in to the illusion.  From a recent conversation with him, my clouded judgement became clear.

And in that same moment, I decided to let go and finally move on.

I’m in between…
Torn between choices, unable to decide.
Same cons, different pros.
Yet, I’m still lost on which to choose.

I’m in between…
Standing at this crossroad,
Unsure which one to take.
Both looks the same.

I’m in between…
Should I be strong and keep this facade?
Or should I accept defeat and embrace the pain.
What should I pick?

I’m in between:
A part of me wants you to be here, with me…
Another wants to let things run its course…
And accept that this is the end.

I’ve done it again.  I pushed someone away.  Someone who meant a lot to me.  Someone I wanted to stay.

I thought it will last.  We’ve been together for quite a long time now.  I’m not afraid to say that I can see a future with him.  But I let my fears take over.

A misunderstanding.  A pretty simple one that I have blown out of proportion.  It is after-all, my best talent.  I just have a knack of pushing people away, once I get to show them my vulnerable side.

I lost him.  I lost the person I love. Because I let my fears surface.  Because my trust wavered.  Instead of understanding and asking for explanation, I jumped into conclusions.  Apparently, I am not yet “cured” of my fears.

I bailed out on him instead of him bailing out on me.

I love him.  But I have also hurt him.  No amount of sorry can bring him back.  He decided not to, despite me swallowing my pride and saying that I still want him beside me.

I screwed up.  Big time.

And I have no one to blame but myself…  My incurable feeling of being inadequate…  My fear of being not good enough for anyone.

As I cry myself to sleep tonight, I can only dream of the what-have-been’s…  It’s the only thing I have left.

This year, I’ve had numerous hits and misses… In all aspect of my life.

I’ve been happy, been broken… been too afraid.  And got myself into an emotional roller-coaster that I didn’t thought I can get out.

I’ve been in love, been hurt… I’ve had an old flame hurt me physically and emotionally.  I was made to feel insignificant again.  I’ve ran away… I’ve pushed people away… I’ve kept some, but still kept them at a distance.

I’ve let go of someone because of my fears…

I’ve held on to someone I consider my rock.  Because during the time that I needed someone to help me get out, he was the only one who was there to give me a hand… I feel guilty… and thankful at the same time.  Guilty because I have hurt him before, but he still stayed.  I’m thankful because I know, he’s going to be here for me.

I’ve been hospitalized, my health deteriorated.  I quit a job and started a new one.  I don’t think I will last on this one too… But in a way, it helps me keep sane.

If last year, I’ve been bothered about my family problems, this year, I managed not to give a care.  Thinking of it will only hurt me.  I learned not to care so its easier.  So I would no longer think about infidelities, and losing respect for my father.

Just a few more days, this year will be over… Pretty soon, I’ll have another set of hits and misses…  Like every other year, I am wishing again for a better new year…

I don’t want another year of hits and misses.  I don’t want another year of believing that something good will happen to me.  Nothing did.  It will only be good for some time… but it will ultimately end with me questioning the very reason why I am still trying.

I’m done gambling.  I’ve had enough of hits and misses.

Lately, I realized nothing good has come my way.

It started with a relationship that broke me. I don’t want to admit it, but though it was I who ended things, it felt bad. Mainly because I realized I never mattered to him.

I’ve waited. I’ve given chances… Qualities that isn’t the least like me, but for him, I have been patient and forgiving.

Then now, my work. It’s supposed to be a scapegoat.. Somewhere I can retire to when I need to think and relax.

Two bad surveys… Two bad comments… That’s all it took for me to lose the little enthusiasm I have for what I’m doing now.

I miss the challenge of doing something good.. Of doing something that would benefit a lot of people. I miss racking my brains until it can’t process anymore.

I dunno what to do now. I’m at lost on what to think. Distractions don’t work anymore.

My personal life sucks. And my work’s being such a bitch.

Can I still find something to look forward to each day?

Still You

Posted: September 16, 2014 in On Relationships
Tags: , , ,

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  It’s been weeks since I ended things between us but I still think of you… a lot.  Even the little things that has little connection to you makes me think of what I’d had with you.

I wanted to talk to you… and tell you that I miss you.  That I still love you.  Yet, I’m afraid that just like before, it won’t mean anything to you.

I’m already hurting now… and I can’t help but to hate myself for longing for someone who clearly does not feel the same.  The rational side of me wants to choose the one before you.  Because unlike you, he’s still here for me.  Even months after I ended things with him, and knowing I hurt him, he still choose to stay with me… Telling me that his feelings hasn’t changed.

It would be easier if I’ll just go back to him.  But I can’t.

Because despite knowing that it’s only me who’s hurting when I ended things with you, it’s still you.  It’s you that I’m still waiting for, though I know you don’t feel the same.  It’s still you that I want, despite knowing that you no longer want to do anything with me.