I don’t want to accept it. Not then, not now… Certainly, never.
It’s not pride that kept me from welcoming the idea. It’s not really fear, I guess.
But the minute I admit that it did happened, that I was through it, everything becomes real.
In the end, I’ll be the victim I never thought I was.
I have my flaws… I know all of them. But I have learned to embraced each of them. I have learned to accept them. Coz I know, each flaw defines who I am… and what my beliefs are.
I wear a lot of masks… Each one designed to hide what I truly feel. Each one custom-made, perfected to be the ultimate cover-up. Each individually created to suit me whenever I needed one.
Coz though I act tough, non-caring, and happy all the time, the things I really feel just piles up inside… waiting to be released. Waiting to be let out.
So don’t hate me when I’m being stubborn… or acting like a child. For all you know, it might be just one of my masks taking over what I really feel… Hiding the soft shell inside.
Kapag pinakawalan, di na babalikan. Tingin ko kasi, kung aayos naman lahat, bakit kailangang pakawalan pa, di ba?
Di lahat ng nakikilala mo, mananatili sa tabi mo. May iba kasing dumadating lang para turuan ka at bigyan ng leksiyon… Kaya parang ang hirap mahulog e. Baka kasi mahulog ka sa isang taong dumaan lang pala.
Ang hirap palang pigilan kung sino ka talaga. Ilang maskara man ang suot mo, may mga taong makikita kung anong ikinukubli nun.
*Sana bago nila ako hinusgahan at sinabihan ng kung anu-ano, sinubukan nila akong kausapin at kilalanin… Sana bago ko siya pinili, inalam ko muna lahat. *
I am fond of drinking.
I love the taste of alcohol in my mouth.
And I love the warmth it brings.
Drinking is often my first choice.
It’s a good way to end my day?
It’s a unique toss to a tiring day.
It’s a bitter way to accept facts.
It’s a first-class mask to flaunt
And hide the tears.
I’m feeling low. Not because something happened to me early morning of Sunday. It’s because of these feelings I’ve buried deep down within my being. I’ve hidden a lot of tears, thousands of fears, and depression that seems to burst out soon. Right now, I wanted to cry. Not because someone had hurt me today but because I didn’t dealt with the past.
I’ve ran away from it. From them. I said it won’t matter, there’s still tomorrow. I’m living my life like today’s the only thing that matters. I hate how it feels when I’m about to cry. I’d bite my lips so no sob would come out. I’d blink away the tears that starts to well in my eyes. I’ve been successful but then..
I’m hurting. I still am. I’m still imprisoned in a past that I’ve tried so hard to lock up inside. My knees still wobble. I’m still at lost. I’m depressed at the thought that I have a lot of things, know a lot of wondrous people but a void’s still existing.
For more than a hundred times, I’ve told myself that things are better this way. But there’s still this wanting, this unrelenting need that makes me lose my sanity.
I want to fall. Hard. I want to feel the need of being wanted, of being loved. A romantic love that I’ve put behind my consciousness. A commitment that might exist… But only in my dreams…
i don’t know what to think. i don’t know what to feel. i’m here at the middle, unable to decide. unable to climb up coz i don’t know if i wanted to fall.
i guess i’m still afraid. i guess there’s still unresolved items that i just buried deep down, without facing. i still think about the pain. i’ve kept the walls high enough so no one could enter.
i felt like a coward, hiding inside my own self. afraid to show what i feel. afraid to show my weakness. i feel strong with each of my masks. i have strength with each mask hiding my being full of bruises and wounds…
sabi nila, mabait daw ako.. pero ako? nde totoo ‘yun.. uto-uto lang ako!
sabi nila, marunong daw akong magparaya.. pero ako? nde totoo ‘yun.. ‘di ko lang alam humindi sa isang kaibigan!
sabi nila, fighter daw ako.. pero ako? nde totoo ‘yun.. kakailangan ko ba ang iba kung totoo ‘yun?
sabi nila, matapang daw ako.. pero ako? nde totoo ‘yun.. marae akong takot! pti nga pusa kinatatakutan ko eh!
panghuli…
sabi nila, totoong tao daw ako… pero ako??? mag-iisip na muna… kc…
pano nila nasabing totoong tao ako? kilala ba nila ako? alam b nila lahat ng takot ko?
bakit? nakita na ba nila akong wala ang maskara ko?
Fiery Waters' World of Contrasts 