Nothing

I’ve tried hard.  I’ve pushed myself into crossing out everything on my list.  But all of my goals, they are nothing.

I followed what I was told to do.  I’ve managed to survive.  I’ve made changes, I’ve compromised.  Yet, all those efforts were for nothing.

I’ve worked on being better, of having a more positive outlook in life.  Yet, here I am, in the darkest corner of my room… wallowing in self-pity.

Because no matter what I do, no matter what I achieve, they all mean nothing.

All I wanted was for a better treatment, to at least see a ray of light, that things will be better.  But such is not the case.

I act tough.  I act like nothing could break me.  But inside this shell, my dust-sized self shrinks to something much smaller…  more coarse, more raw.

I am beginning to hate myself more.  For exerting effort onto something just so I can feel like I matter.  But I don’t… and now I’m contemplating whether or not to just set fire on these so called accomplishments.

Coz no matter what I do, achieve and reach, they will never be enough.  Hell, I am never enough.

Might as well make my walls thicker, and higher.  Might as well keep up with the pretense that I don’t give a damn about anything.  Maybe I need to let the fires consume me and leave all the water to evaporate.

In the end, it’s the only thing keeping me sane.  It’s the only thing that keeps my walls up, locking the emptiness within.

Giving In…

For years, I’ve fought my dark side.  I tried to surround myself with light.  I tried so hard to be positive – to always look on the brighter side.

But now, I may have to embrace it.  Trying to be positive only made me weak.  I feel like people treat me as a worthless piece of trash… like I don’t matter.

I’ve been jobless since August because I want to focus on my school.  I’m currently taking up this Continuing Professional Education course – an additional 18-unit course required for me to take the Licensure Exam for Teachers because my college course was non-Educ.

I am proud of my first sem grades.  Proud that I can still learn something new.  It finally felt like I am taking a good direction.

Now, I hate how I am treated.  Just because I don’t have a work right now, I am treated like I’m worthless.  My siblings don’t respect me.  Hell, even my mother humiliates me in front of family and friends.

It’s like I am only worth something when I have work.  Like I only matter if I can provide.  Now that I have been jobless, focusing on my school, I am nothing.

Maybe it’s time to give in to my dark side – so I won’t be treated as crap.  I am far beyond my threshold of being strong, being positive.  Everything has their own limits.  I’m exhausted.  Maybe it’s time to let my other side take over.

At My Threshold

I am at my limits.  I didn’t want to judge someone solely for how that person is treating me.  But after a few weeks, I ought to have developed an idea of who that person is.

I never rubbed it in their faces that I was a leader before.  Mainly because the job description I have now is different from what I managed before.  But being told that I used to be on the position previously, it doesn’t make sense.

I work as an agent now so I take it that I will be treated as an agent.  But the leadership qualities instilled to me when I was a lead – the coaching and leadership styles I was hoping to see when I am not a lead, it is quite LACKING.

I understand what needs to be done. I know what I ought to do.  I am NOT DOING them.  Why?  Because (1) I got the notion that once I started doing them, the person will have an ego booster; (2) I don’t feel like I should do them as it is not worth it.

Had they asked me nicely, I would have.  But to continuously imply that I was a lead once, I should do what is expected is just utter bull.  Add the fact that somewhere during the weekly talks, it was implied that I was shameless, is just way beyond what I can accept.

Not because I have an ire.  Or because I feel like I’m superior than them.  No, it irks me because at the end of the day, I am doing my job.  Heck, I’ve even owned a few issues that is already beyond my scope.  All because I know that with customer service, you are supposed to give help to your customers.  You’re not supposed to dictate them and have them call you multiple of times to sort out their issues.

I am at my threshold.  I am more than pissed.  If this goes on, I might not be able to keep myself from talking and saying things they don’t want to hear.  I am about to explode.

Nothing Good

Lately, I realized nothing good has come my way.

It started with a relationship that broke me. I don’t want to admit it, but though it was I who ended things, it felt bad. Mainly because I realized I never mattered to him.

I’ve waited. I’ve given chances… Qualities that isn’t the least like me, but for him, I have been patient and forgiving.

Then now, my work. It’s supposed to be a scapegoat.. Somewhere I can retire to when I need to think and relax.

Two bad surveys… Two bad comments… That’s all it took for me to lose the little enthusiasm I have for what I’m doing now.

I miss the challenge of doing something good.. Of doing something that would benefit a lot of people. I miss racking my brains until it can’t process anymore.

I dunno what to do now. I’m at lost on what to think. Distractions don’t work anymore.

My personal life sucks. And my work’s being such a bitch.

Can I still find something to look forward to each day?

Rattles

– I left a job that I liked because of personal complications. With recent news I’ve heard, I think I did the right thing. But was it worth it?

– I am now employed in an office that makes me think worst of something I had strong belief before. Now, I believe everything/everyone has their price. I’m now corrupted of my former ideals.

I Changed

I used to fight.  I used to do whatever I can to get what I want.  I used to push through with what I want… what I need…

And then I found myself just conforming to the norms…  Taking whatever’s on my plate.  Though I hate it, and squirm at the mere thought of it.

I learned compromise.  I learned to be embrace the water in me.

And this time, the water is way too aggressive.  Putting off the fiery one in me.

Tarot Reading

I’m currently undergoing a dark phase… It’s something triggered by frustration, fueled by seeing a ghost from the past.

During these times, I can’t trust myself: instincts, and decisions.  I’m a mess… and to at least give myself the illusion that I’m gonna be okay, I had a tarot reading.

I’m gonna share the results here.

Card 1 (The Star) : How you feel about yourself now »

You feel there is hope, or if you don’t, have faith – a tranquil period is imminent. If you have been ill, suffered bereavement or disappointment in love, take heart, good fortune is on its way. New horizons are indicated and you will feel a new zest for life. This is your wish card – if considering a new love affair, new job or career, or travel, then go for it. You may also receive a gift or gifts!

Card 2 (The Tower) : What you most want at this moment »

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is an easy solution to a problem. However in life, turmoil and upheaval often brings about change – just not quite as we would like it. Seize this opportunity of change as a chance for a new beginning. You may want to move home but will be experiencing setbacks.

Card 3 (The Emperor) : Your fears »

You are feeling that success is just around the corner but it feels elusive, just out of reach. You are concerned that the support and help that you want from your father, husband/partner or a man of significance in your life won’t materialise. Trust and ask for the help you need, and success will be yours.

Card 4 (The Devil) : What is going for you »

There’s a possibility of permanence here. If you’re considering a commitment in a relationship or marriage this is a good sign. However question your motives because here we have temptation and addiction, and a desire to be controlled or controlling. So use your intuition and if you recognise what you feel as sincere, great, if not you still have a chance to change direction. If considering giving up a bad habit, such as smoking or drinking for example, now is a good time to start.

Card 5 (The Hierophant) : What is going against you »

You are simply struggling to conform to others expectations of you and everybody has an opinion of what you should do. Perhaps you are having a crisis of faith and are unsettled at a very spiritual level. Ask yourself who you really are? What is important to you? What makes you happy? Seek out advice or wise counsel if you wish, but accepting who you really are and going after what you want instead of what others want for you is the most important.

Card 6 (The Lovers) : Outcome »

Love is coming into your life even if you really can’t see where from at this time. If you are on your own a new lover will soon enter your life. If you are in an unhappy relationship you have a choice to make – go with your heart, take the risk, greater happiness is ahead of you.

Save Me From Me

I’ve been preoccupied… at lost… and afraid. I’m slowly going back to my old self.

I like who I am right now. I enjoy being a pleasure-seeker. It allowed me to be more than what I could be… But then…

My old self is slowly resurfacing. I’m having dark thoughts that prompts me to retrace my step. To turn back into who I was: melancholic, angry at the world, and worst… Suicidal.

Is there a way to help save me from myself?

Random Thoughts

* Karma has an interesting way of teaching us a lesson.  It allows us to be in a negative situation to realize the wrong we’ve done.  And if we’re stubborn to learn the lesson, we’ll find ourselves in the same situation again…

* Sometimes, a WAKE-UP call is all we need in order to realize that we are threading dangerous/negative circumstances.

* The strength of friendship isn’t about how long you’ve been friends or whether or not you know each other’s secrets.  A real friend may be hundreds/thousands of miles away, or you may not see each other often/regularly, but when you’re feeling really low, just the sound of their voice is enough to lift your spirits.

* Lifelong dream changes… It’s influenced by where we are at the moment we realized what that dream is.

I’m Bored!

I know it’s Lent… and based from my Catholic upbringing, I should be spending this time to reflect, pray and be more closer to God.  But I’ve been through some awful things in the past that made me question my religion.  Don’t get me wrong.  I still have my faith… I still believe in a Supreme Being that is not necessarily God.

Well, enough of that.  This blog isn’t supposed to be about my faith.  I just want to blabber about how bored I was this week.  I have been sick – cough and colds… add headache and sinusitis that lasted a few days this week.  I have nothing to do.  And there isn’t any good shows to watch.

Regular programming is hampered to give way to Lenten presentations.  Good thing there’s cable, but during morning til afternoon, most of the shows are reruns of previous episodes or old seasons.  And personally, I’m not into movies.  So, watching DVDs is definitely out of the picture.

Because of all these, I have not spent this whole week productively.  Can’t find any inspiration or idea to pursue.  Can’t even write something good to post a new blog, except this blabber.

Hopefully, once I start with my new work, I would have my hands full of things to do.  Until then, I’d sulk in my table, with pen and paper… and contemplate on my boring day… much like what this image portrays: