Giving In…

For years, I’ve fought my dark side.  I tried to surround myself with light.  I tried so hard to be positive – to always look on the brighter side.

But now, I may have to embrace it.  Trying to be positive only made me weak.  I feel like people treat me as a worthless piece of trash… like I don’t matter.

I’ve been jobless since August because I want to focus on my school.  I’m currently taking up this Continuing Professional Education course – an additional 18-unit course required for me to take the Licensure Exam for Teachers because my college course was non-Educ.

I am proud of my first sem grades.  Proud that I can still learn something new.  It finally felt like I am taking a good direction.

Now, I hate how I am treated.  Just because I don’t have a work right now, I am treated like I’m worthless.  My siblings don’t respect me.  Hell, even my mother humiliates me in front of family and friends.

It’s like I am only worth something when I have work.  Like I only matter if I can provide.  Now that I have been jobless, focusing on my school, I am nothing.

Maybe it’s time to give in to my dark side – so I won’t be treated as crap.  I am far beyond my threshold of being strong, being positive.  Everything has their own limits.  I’m exhausted.  Maybe it’s time to let my other side take over.

At My Threshold

I am at my limits.  I didn’t want to judge someone solely for how that person is treating me.  But after a few weeks, I ought to have developed an idea of who that person is.

I never rubbed it in their faces that I was a leader before.  Mainly because the job description I have now is different from what I managed before.  But being told that I used to be on the position previously, it doesn’t make sense.

I work as an agent now so I take it that I will be treated as an agent.  But the leadership qualities instilled to me when I was a lead – the coaching and leadership styles I was hoping to see when I am not a lead, it is quite LACKING.

I understand what needs to be done. I know what I ought to do.  I am NOT DOING them.  Why?  Because (1) I got the notion that once I started doing them, the person will have an ego booster; (2) I don’t feel like I should do them as it is not worth it.

Had they asked me nicely, I would have.  But to continuously imply that I was a lead once, I should do what is expected is just utter bull.  Add the fact that somewhere during the weekly talks, it was implied that I was shameless, is just way beyond what I can accept.

Not because I have an ire.  Or because I feel like I’m superior than them.  No, it irks me because at the end of the day, I am doing my job.  Heck, I’ve even owned a few issues that is already beyond my scope.  All because I know that with customer service, you are supposed to give help to your customers.  You’re not supposed to dictate them and have them call you multiple of times to sort out their issues.

I am at my threshold.  I am more than pissed.  If this goes on, I might not be able to keep myself from talking and saying things they don’t want to hear.  I am about to explode.

Nothing Good

Lately, I realized nothing good has come my way.

It started with a relationship that broke me. I don’t want to admit it, but though it was I who ended things, it felt bad. Mainly because I realized I never mattered to him.

I’ve waited. I’ve given chances… Qualities that isn’t the least like me, but for him, I have been patient and forgiving.

Then now, my work. It’s supposed to be a scapegoat.. Somewhere I can retire to when I need to think and relax.

Two bad surveys… Two bad comments… That’s all it took for me to lose the little enthusiasm I have for what I’m doing now.

I miss the challenge of doing something good.. Of doing something that would benefit a lot of people. I miss racking my brains until it can’t process anymore.

I dunno what to do now. I’m at lost on what to think. Distractions don’t work anymore.

My personal life sucks. And my work’s being such a bitch.

Can I still find something to look forward to each day?

Rattles

– I left a job that I liked because of personal complications. With recent news I’ve heard, I think I did the right thing. But was it worth it?

– I am now employed in an office that makes me think worst of something I had strong belief before. Now, I believe everything/everyone has their price. I’m now corrupted of my former ideals.

Set of Rants…

> I’ve dreamt of another face. This time, his features are more vivid, more real. I can still remember his square jaw, his even teeth, his dreamy grin. I can still see his reluctance, feel his uneasiness while he tried to explained things to me…

> I never thought he’d call again. A few days ago, I’ve told/shown him I’ve changed – that I’m back to the old me. I thought he’d stop calling. But he did. And again, he managed to make me cry – for saying to my face what I’ve been acting out whenever I talk to him.

> I never liked the idea of someone with authority watching over me. I hate that feeling -someone’s looking at my every move. It’s as if I can’t decide or do things on my own. Although I understand that the person did it because it’s been asked by another authority figure, I still didn’t liked it.

> I’m beginning to feel stressed out. By what I’m making myself feel (or in this case, not feel)… by the seemingly watchful eyes that follows me… and by the choices I’d have to make soon, before I ran out of time.

> On the brighter side, I’m thankful that there’s my favorite series. It makes me forget. It helps me feel good. It makes me hope and anticipate the future. Yeah, I’m referring to my addiction – CW’s Supernatural. And to quote the latest episode I’ve seen: A man without a soul is not a man.

Vents

I’m bored.  I thought I finally found a new job, only to be advised that training was postponed due to operational issues.  So, I spend my day, in front of the PC, trying to do something fruitful.  At times, I’d cook lunch or dinner, depending on my mood.. When night time comes, it’s making my baby sister sleep, and watch late-night crime series.

I’m busy… Too busy to even write a simple blog.. Busy contemplating on my thoughts. They’re scattered, and incoherent.  Wouldn’t it be nice if somehow, my thoughts would be outlined… But no.  I have to pick each thought, think more about the flow.. and then choose the most probable outline I could get.

I’m a wreck.  And I’m not sure if this is just frustration… Or the fact that I am looking past through the signals again…

No More

February’s about to end soon… and my goal’s still way too far from my reach.

I expected it that way since I would always follow my mind.  Though I really like a certain person, I would still think about the cons of having him.

There’s no more room for wishing of something that’s not meant to be.  I’m done hoping.  I’m done dating.  What’s left for me is to enjoy the remaining week, and go to gigs/concerts whenever I want to. 

My new job’s Process Training is about to end soon.  I might get too preoccupied again.  And besides, March ought to be one of the busiest month for me. 

Deja Vu

I don’t know if it’s a part of my gift.  I often have dreams that come true.  Literally.  For someone who thinks each dream has both a literal and symbolic meaning, deja vu still remains to be a mystery for me.

A few years ago, I get to dream of discussing some event proposal.  It’s choosing which supplier we should choose for an exhibit.  I was discussing it with people I don’t know.  That time, my work is all about documentation.  So I shrugged off that dream.

Last month, while busily rendering hours for my OJT, my dream came true.  We were discussing about our upcoming exhibit and were gathering proposals for booths, carpets, etc.  The conversation, the actions – it’s all what I dreamed of years ago.

I’ve experienced a lot of déjà vu already.  Up to now, I’m still figuring out if it is déjà vu per se or was it because of my gift?  Whatever it is, I just hope that one particular would never happen in real life.

I Hate Mondays!

Yesterday was the start of the week.  I woke up early to prepare for my OJT.  It has been raining here in Marikina City, Philippines for days and so I readied myself with an umbrella and jacket.

Wearing my sturdy, old rubber shoes, I headed outside with my uncle.  I was only 2-3 feet away from our compound when I slipped.  Literally.

Can you imagine a big girl like me, a 210 lbs overweight girl slipping in slow motion?  Well, that’s what happened and even after seeing myself sprawled at the streets, I stayed motionless, thinking: “What the hell happened?”

I gazed at the streets, to see whether someone saw the incident, aside from my uncle, and I was not mistaken.  Near the corner where we are supposed to wait for a jeepney was someone who knew me. Damn!

After seeing that, and feeling embarrassed about what happened, I whole-heartedly laugh at what happened to me.  Swear, I was laughing up until boarding one jeep!

To add salt to the injury of my slipping, the guard told us that there’s no operations that day.  So, I have to go home and staying there will not be counted.  Double Ds!

I’m only blogging this now, since I slept early last night… wew!

Life Outside Maersk

This week is the start of my official non-working week. My resignation was effective July 15 but I had to go back to finish my clearance…

Initially, I planned to go on vacation this week. But last Saturday, I had a changed of heart. Actually, I have beenchanging some of my plans and recently acted impulsively.

This week, I’m busy with my class. The last day of training will be on August 21 and graduation will be on August 25. I’m enjoying the training especially now that we’re mixing spirits, etc.

As of now, I still don’t have any idea where to work or whether I want to be in an office again. All I know for now is that I’m happily threading this new path. I am enjoying myself. 

Oh, I miss my friends at Maersk… Anyway, I’ll see them when it’s time..