Again…

I’ve done it again.  I pushed someone away.  Someone who meant a lot to me.  Someone I wanted to stay.

I thought it will last.  We’ve been together for quite a long time now.  I’m not afraid to say that I can see a future with him.  But I let my fears take over.

A misunderstanding.  A pretty simple one that I have blown out of proportion.  It is after-all, my best talent.  I just have a knack of pushing people away, once I get to show them my vulnerable side.

I lost him.  I lost the person I love. Because I let my fears surface.  Because my trust wavered.  Instead of understanding and asking for explanation, I jumped into conclusions.  Apparently, I am not yet “cured” of my fears.

I bailed out on him instead of him bailing out on me.

I love him.  But I have also hurt him.  No amount of sorry can bring him back.  He decided not to, despite me swallowing my pride and saying that I still want him beside me.

I screwed up.  Big time.

And I have no one to blame but myself…  My incurable feeling of being inadequate…  My fear of being not good enough for anyone.

As I cry myself to sleep tonight, I can only dream of the what-have-been’s…  It’s the only thing I have left.

For Him Who Caused Me Pain

i’ve been stupid when i’ve let you dominate my fantasy
i’ve been crazy when i believed you’d stay
now i’m awake, thanks to the pain you’ve caused
the wounds have healed, the hurt have ceased
sanity has come back, reality’s right here…
again.

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end of latest update…

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i used to think that i can take anything that would come my way…
but then, i’ve stumbled on you along the darkest path i took.
you made me fall, made a few wrong choices, then left me alone.

have been mending this broken sanity…
heck, you made me become what i am now.
don’t blame me for the outcome.
blame yourself. you’re the cause.

as i continue taking this path i chose,
remind me not to pick up the pieces you’ve left
i’d rather be broken… i’d rather feel the pain…
coz wen i’m broken, i’m wiser.

—

end of first entry…

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Feeling Low

what was the best way to deal with a heartache? what would you do if that was caused by infidelity? how would you wake up the next morning, feeling empty, confused, and lost?

i can’t say goodbye. not because i still love him but because words wouldn’t be enough to let him feel the anger i’m feeling. how betrayed i was with what he did to me. and now, i’m feeling low.

i can’t be the same bubbly person people have known. that girl who loves to laugh. the sweet one. i can’t. i can’t act like everything’s normal. nothing was normal. i can’t be cheerful. not now when inside me, there’s nothing but pain… and the need to change.

i’m tired of acting i was strong. i’m tired of letting people see that i’m funny… i’m a wacko.. i’m a freak. i’m tired of being used and abused. i’m tired of my pathetic life. i’m tired of my existence.

don’t think that i’m like this just because of him. no. he just added to my problems. the saddest part of this thing that’s making me low is the acceptance that i’ve been made a fool. again.

You

You had been my sole inspiration… the only person who lifted me up from this pool of self-pity. You made me face my hidden fears. You taught me how to be strong. You made me feel emotions that I wouldn’t want to feel. You made me feel love.

I’m thankful for all the help you’ve given me… how you boosted my confidence… how you gave me the courage to face the unknown. But of all those help you’ve given me, there’s only one thing I won’t get tired of reminiscing. You taught and have given me love.

You know how much I hated that stupid feeling. You know how much I detest meddling in love. Yet, you made it look like it’s such an easy task… that it was an easy feeling to deal with. Everything I had feared before was gone. You taught me the joy of feeling those emotions that I’ve avoided for so long…

Time flew fast. I’ve learned a lot of things from you. I have fallen in love with you. But then, you’ve become cold… so cold that it was as if something bad was brewing… I felt sure of that.

My intuition had been right. You did something that left a mark on my whole being. You’ve hurt me. To love you was such a big mistake.

I’m still hurting about what happened. But now I know I can’t make you love me when you don’t. I can never make your heart feel something it won’t dare feel.

Come to think about it… you forgot to teach me something… one thing that is of so much importance. You forgot to teach me how to feel numb of pain.