Believe me, I tried.
I did all I could.
Different parts of me died.
And I am left in the cold.
Believe me, I tried.
I fought with all I’ve got.
No one’s at my side.
Winning is such a long shot.
Believe me, I tried.
I’ve bled and scarred.
Fate got my hands tied.
My outer shell, marred.
Now there’s just emptiness inside.
My dreams ruined and set aside.
With a grim heart, sadness intensified.
Melancholy, the only thing I exemplified.
I recently turned 31. How does it feel? It felt nothing.
Nothing special, nothing to look forward to. Not even a sense of accomplishment came with this turning of the year for me.
I’ve been alive for another year… Another year of not knowing where things would fall into. Will I finally find what it is I’m looking for? Will I finally be happy? Will I be content?
I spent my birthday searching… reflecting… trying to find reasons to keep me going.
Did I find any? Na-da. Zero. Zilch. None.
I was supposed to enjoy, to have fun… But I opted to spend it in silence. In quietness. In my own world. The pretense of trying to make it a special day left a bitter taste in the mouth.
My friends say 31 is still relatively young. I still have a lot of years in front me. I shouldn’t focus on the negative stuff that happened to me. Still…
31 years… and counting…
No more wishing for something good to happen.
This year, I’ve had numerous hits and misses… In all aspect of my life.
I’ve been happy, been broken… been too afraid. And got myself into an emotional roller-coaster that I didn’t thought I can get out.
I’ve been in love, been hurt… I’ve had an old flame hurt me physically and emotionally. I was made to feel insignificant again. I’ve ran away… I’ve pushed people away… I’ve kept some, but still kept them at a distance.
I’ve let go of someone because of my fears…
I’ve held on to someone I consider my rock. Because during the time that I needed someone to help me get out, he was the only one who was there to give me a hand… I feel guilty… and thankful at the same time. Guilty because I have hurt him before, but he still stayed. I’m thankful because I know, he’s going to be here for me.
I’ve been hospitalized, my health deteriorated. I quit a job and started a new one. I don’t think I will last on this one too… But in a way, it helps me keep sane.
If last year, I’ve been bothered about my family problems, this year, I managed not to give a care. Thinking of it will only hurt me. I learned not to care so its easier. So I would no longer think about infidelities, and losing respect for my father.
Just a few more days, this year will be over… Pretty soon, I’ll have another set of hits and misses… Like every other year, I am wishing again for a better new year…
I don’t want another year of hits and misses. I don’t want another year of believing that something good will happen to me. Nothing did. It will only be good for some time… but it will ultimately end with me questioning the very reason why I am still trying.
I’m done gambling. I’ve had enough of hits and misses.
I’m a broken girl, damaged, and don’t know if I can be whole again. I even stopped hoping that someday I will be fixed… because I know, I’m far too shattered to be put back together.
Then I met him. He made me hope… Knowing him made me want to be whole again… So, I can be enough for him.
I gambled. I gave it a chance, despite my mind telling me that I’m in for another set of pain… My mind told me I’ve had enough. That I’m far too shattered to give myself another beating – another heartache.
He said he’s serious, but we need to take things really, really slow. I agreed, though there are buzzes in my head telling me that I’m surely in for another set of pain. I didn’t listen to my head. I followed my heart. After years of being distant, of being radical about love, I gave myself the go signal to give it a try.
I was happy. He makes me happy. But the distance, the inconsistent communication got in the way. I didn’t want to demand his time. Because a part of me thinks I’ll only get what I deserve. Yet, I’ve given him parts of me that I have never given anyone else… I’ve done things for him that I never thought I’d do. That was how much I love him.
A few weeks ago, nightmares came to me. And a few days ago, the nightmare came true. Someone from my past came back to haunt me. I’m reminded of how weak I am, of how broken I was. That few minutes that I’ve struggled to get away from my past was enough to shatter the little piece of me that I have glued together.
Fear had gripped me. I can’t help but repeat what my past told me… That I’ll never be good enough for anyone… that no matter who I choose, I’ll be treated like crap – cause that’s what I am.
And I guess, I just have to believe it. I’m far too broken, way too shattered for anyone. No one wants to have damaged goods. I guess, I’ll just have to accept it. Because even though I thought he can help me heal, it’s just wishful thinking…
I am guilty of this. I over-think a lot. Even on things where I’m supposed to feel, I am thinking.
Sometimes I wish I would stop this. But my thoughts would always run on hyper-speed… Analyzing things, trying to come up with different scenarios in my head…
At times it brings good… Because it helps in anticipating future scenarios… And coming up with decisions is easy, without the hassle of having feelings affect my choices. Sometimes, things get boring… Like watching movies or reading books. Over-thinking has enabled the prediction of endings possible.
My rational side loves being an over-thinker… But a part of me wants to just have the easy way out…
And just like always, my head would win… I’ll find myself over-thinking again.
She tried fixing everything. She even changed, thinking it’s what’s needed for everything to be okay. But it didn’t. Things never got better. Everything crashed. Everything hurt.
She chose not to feel… to have her mind controlling everything. She carefully extracted every ounce of emotion lurking inside her. She kept them bottled up, and had a default reaction.
She kept to herself. She opted to be alone. If she’s by herself, there’s no chance that someone can hurt her, right? If she’s alone, it’s only her who will matter. She doesn’t need to give a damn to anyone, to anything… except herself… and what makes her at ease.
With a web of interlinked scenarios, and feelings as the outcome, she had devised a flow chart… A process that would dictate how she will act, how she will feel when different situations are presented to her.
It all got well. It all got better. She believed she’s free from pain and hurt. But it was short-lived.
Soon, the bottled up emotions had built-up. The pain, the anger, the hurt and depression came in at waves. She went back to her blueprint, checked back if there’s any course that would give her a way to deal with the magnitude of emotions she’s feeling… Finding none, she tried to keep mum, tried to silence the agony inside her.
Now, she’s exploding. No amount of tears can stop the pain. No matter how many walls she’s punched, there’s still anger inside her. So she did the only thing she knew…
She gave in to depression.
Staring at her lifeless eyes, she gave her knuckles the one last punch it was craving for. She hit the full-sized mirror in front of her. Hearing the shatter brought her out of the trance she was in. Glancing at her bloodied hand, at the broken mirror on her feet, she bent and pick up one of the bigger pieces.
She knew that in her flowchart, what she’s about to do is taboo. She knew that once she pushed with her thoughts, it meant she’d already given up… and it’s something that she never considered when she created her flowchart.
Shaking her self-guessing away, she held the broken mirror above her head… Took a deep breath, and pushed its pointed end to where all her problems were coming from…
Her heart.
***Disclaimer:***
I do not own the image posted in this blog
Image taken from http://www.healerslibrary.com/flowcharts/Trapped_Emotion_FlowChart.pdf
I am an INTJ (Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging). I take in things via my intuition and I deal with things rationally or logically. Being one had helped me immensely… in my quest for endless learning and grasping of ideas and processes. I am passionate about things that I like and will spend time reading and learning about it until I am sure I know everything that needs to be known.
With this type of personality, I am governed more by my mind. I approach things objectively, weighing pros and cons, and basing decisions on the set of facts I have gathered. Work-wise, this is great since I love pushing myself intellectually.
I am reserved, most of the time, by myself, enjoying my solitude. Some people actually thinks I’m a loner because of this. But I enjoy those quiet moments where there’s no drama… Moments where I can be with my own self, think of plans, create goals and accomplish tasks I’ve set for myself. I love my privacy and rational way of thinking – it eliminates the drama of taking emotions into consideration.
And being an INTJ, I do have problems when it comes to socializing, or building relationships. I am blunt, I will say what I have to say, without sugar-coating things. I hate small talks, I’d rather have someone I can have an intellectual debate with. Talking about the weather or how my day had been is sure to get a one to two-word reply from me.
But I’m not hard-hearted. I am sensitive and have deep feelings or emotions. I just don’t show it to everyone, hence the walls I’ve built around me. Someone just need to break through the walls, and reach behind the barriers I’ve built.
Everything s*cks right now. I can’t pretend I’m okay anymore. I hate everything.
I’m nobody. I’m not worth anything. Hell, I would want to indulge in these dark thoughts. It’s happier there. I’d be at peace.
I can’t pretend anymore. I’m on the edge. To be told time and time again how worthless you are, how you mean nothing to anyone, even to your own family, it’s sickening. It’s condemning.
I just want it to end soon. I’m too tired. I can’t keep on pretending. I want to give up now.
sabi nila, mabait daw ako.. pero ako? nde totoo ‘yun.. uto-uto lang ako!
sabi nila, marunong daw akong magparaya.. pero ako? nde totoo ‘yun.. ‘di ko lang alam humindi sa isang kaibigan!
sabi nila, fighter daw ako.. pero ako? nde totoo ‘yun.. kakailangan ko ba ang iba kung totoo ‘yun?
sabi nila, matapang daw ako.. pero ako? nde totoo ‘yun.. marae akong takot! pti nga pusa kinatatakutan ko eh!
panghuli…
sabi nila, totoong tao daw ako… pero ako??? mag-iisip na muna… kc…
pano nila nasabing totoong tao ako? kilala ba nila ako? alam b nila lahat ng takot ko?
bakit? nakita na ba nila akong wala ang maskara ko?
mali ba ang mag-give way para sa isang kaibigan? mali bang pakawalan ang taong mahal mo dahil alam mo para sa isang kaibigang noon lang natutong magmahal?
masakit na ang ulo ko. nahihirapan na ako. masakit at mahirap pakawalan ang taong mahal mo. pero iba ako. mas gusto kong pakawalan ang mahal ko para sa kaibigan ko. mali ba iyon?
hanggang ngayon, dala ko pa rin ‘yung alaala nung taong pinakawalan ko. hanggang ngayon, napapaginipan ko kung gaano kasakit ang iwan siya para magbigay daan sa kaibigan ko. kasalanan ba ‘yun?
para sa akin, mas mahalaga ang kaibigan. madaling magmahal, mahirap makakita ng isang tunay na kaibigan. pero tunay bang kaibigan ang matuturing mo sa taong hiniling na angkinin ang mahal mo? kahit na noon pa, alam nyang ‘yung taong ‘yun ang itinatangi mo?
ang gulo noh? pero talagang ganito ako. kaya ngayon, naririnig ko ang sumbat ng taong dati ko nang minahal. hindi daw siya masaya sa piling ng kaibigan ko. ako pa rin daw ang mahal nya. sakit ng ulo! sakit ng puso!
kung tatanungin ko kayo, masama ba ang magparaya? mali ba ako?
Fiery Waters' World of Contrasts 