Months and Weeks

It’s been months since I turned 35. Birth month was pretty good. Was happy, except for a few mishaps.

It’s been months since I started working as a full time teacher. Having an advisory class of 45 students in senior high school can be such a pain in the neck. Different personalities, different quirks, all put inside a four-walled room is a bit chaotic.

It’s been months since I’ve given up on my advisory class – their blatant disrespect had me at my limits. The dishonesty, the lies… I know I don’t deserve such attitude. I don’t deserve such treatment from my students.

It’s been months since the incident involving an entire section of students against me. One student took a photo of his classmate playing Mobile Legends while I was at the board, writing. He then uploaded it on social media, and was shared by other classmates.  Said post was seen by a co-teacher who shared it in our group chat. I felt my privacy was violated. I felt disrespected. I thought that if my advisory class does not respect me, surely, no other class will. This incident also caused the feeling of being harassed – as involved students would often gang up on me, in between my classes, or during my breaks. Despite telling them off, I would often encounter them, asking me not to ask for their suspension.

This, I had to fight for. In my 35 years of living, that was only the second time that I felt I lost my dignity. After years of trying to regain the dignity and self-worth I lost, and had slowly tried to piece back together, I then found myself in almost the same scenario -me questioning my self-worth, my dignity. I then began asking myself again, was my choice of becoming a teacher worth it? In the end, The student who originally uploaded the photo, and the one whose post was seen by a co-teacher/school admin got suspended for a few days.

It’s been weeks since I first cried due to my new profession. The pent-up frustrations and disappointments caused me to finally breakdown. Imagine, me, the ever-so-unemotional me, cried inside the clinic, in front of co-teachers, because my students failed the exam I made. There’s this feeling that all efforts I’ve exhausted to be at school, despite being sick – allergies, hoarse voice, cough, colds, heck, even fever, they were all for nothing.

So now, I am demotivated. Like I don’t want to exert any extra effort for my students. My mind is telling me that the effort/work I exerted is only gaining partial returns. Minimal returns should be dealt with immediately to avoid bigger loss.

3 Decades 4 Years 2 Months and 5 Days

Been gone for so long… Tried to shift my focus into something else – other things I love… and trying to make myself better.

Been through ups and downs, had my highs and lows. With each month-end, tried to check how my day ended: Did I had a happy day? Was I p*ssed? Am I frustrated? Am I about to fall asleep angry?

I tried to do something that I’ve avoided. Managed to succeed for a few months, but something happened and I’ve strayed from that goal.

It’s been more than 2 years since I last had a sip of any alcoholic drink. An achievement since I used to have a drink every evening. It’s been years since I’ve last bought a book to read. Hell, even Wattpad stories were not read or opened.

It’s just recently that I decided to go back to an old hobby. Managed to get a few projects done. But I still have some that I have yet to finish. Two years ago, I’ve gotten back to my written journals and planners – after being away for so long…

34 years and counting… I’m still too far from what I hoped to achieve. I’m still a work in progress. I’m still bound in the shadows, letting darkness gnaw at my being.

34 years and counting… I’m still battling with my self-worth and insecurities.

34 years and counting… I’m still hoping… wishing… that there’s still hope for me.

Nothing

I’ve tried hard.  I’ve pushed myself into crossing out everything on my list.  But all of my goals, they are nothing.

I followed what I was told to do.  I’ve managed to survive.  I’ve made changes, I’ve compromised.  Yet, all those efforts were for nothing.

I’ve worked on being better, of having a more positive outlook in life.  Yet, here I am, in the darkest corner of my room… wallowing in self-pity.

Because no matter what I do, no matter what I achieve, they all mean nothing.

All I wanted was for a better treatment, to at least see a ray of light, that things will be better.  But such is not the case.

I act tough.  I act like nothing could break me.  But inside this shell, my dust-sized self shrinks to something much smaller…  more coarse, more raw.

I am beginning to hate myself more.  For exerting effort onto something just so I can feel like I matter.  But I don’t… and now I’m contemplating whether or not to just set fire on these so called accomplishments.

Coz no matter what I do, achieve and reach, they will never be enough.  Hell, I am never enough.

Might as well make my walls thicker, and higher.  Might as well keep up with the pretense that I don’t give a damn about anything.  Maybe I need to let the fires consume me and leave all the water to evaporate.

In the end, it’s the only thing keeping me sane.  It’s the only thing that keeps my walls up, locking the emptiness within.

Thankful

After weeks of waiting, I finally got the result I was waiting for.

LET results were released this morning and I am fortunate to be one of the passers in the recently concluded September 2016 board exam for teachers.

I am happy, ecstatic… and thankful.

From being a person with no self-belief, who doubts her own capabilities, I managed to pass the board exam in just one take.  Today is a testament of what I can do — I just have to believe in myself, and always work hard.

One life goal was realized today… and I still have a lot of goals to cross out… in the coming days, weeks, even years.

But today, it’s just a day for happiness… A day to be thankful… a day to celebrate in my own little way.

I am thankful of this blessing from above… thankful for having people who supported and believed me when I doubted myself… I am thankful to everyone who helped me and provided me with the confidence boost I needed.

Maraming, maraming salamat. Sinong mag-aakala na ang isang tulad kong walang bilib sa sarili ay makakapasa sa board exam? Ngayon, mas paninindigan ko na ang lagi kong sinasabi sa iba na nangangailangan din ng moral boost — tiwala lungs!

Night Sky

A few days ago, I came across this image from The Mind Unleashed Facebook page…

This is something I used to do… Something I used to do with a very special person. A person who made me feel that the moon talk, and the balcony walks.

He paints… and the night sky is his inspiration.  He said that the stars were the light that illuminates his paintings.  He will always point at the Polaris, telling me that should I lose my path, I would just have to look for it… and I’ll find my way back.

Sometimes, he would paint while holding my hand…  Often, we’d just gaze into the sky and talk about our dreams… of what we want to do for our future.  One time, he told me that I should never wish on stars, because stars fall.  He told me that whenever I want to wish for something, I should wait for the crescent moon…  The waning moon will help to let go, and the waxing moon will help attain my goal.

The night sky witnessed the promises we made to each other.  The moon and the stars showered us with their blessings…  Until now, years after you left, I still find myself looking at the night sky, looking for Polaris, wishing on a crescent moon.

Years since you’ve been gone, I still wish you were here beside me, in our favorite spot, with your favorite blanket… mapping the constellations, just basking in the moon’s borrowed light.

It will always be our night sky… and I would like to believe that you’re up there, among the billions of stars shining in the dark.  You’re still my light, my knight and my king… and the night sky, the roof of our castle.

Teaching Experience

The first semester of SY 2016-2017 marked my first time to teach in a classroom setting.  It was different from training, or teaching kids/young adults different how-to’s or arts/crafts.  Since I know I am strict, and quite demanding, I had to change that… Coz I wanted my first time to teach to be a smooth-sailing experience, I decided to be nice.

Here’s just some things I’ve learned during the few months of teaching:

1. Things will always deviate away from your plan.  I am someone ruled by plans, to-do’s, checklists, etc.  So I admit, I got a bit upset that despite giving school works in advance, some would still submit late… Or worse, not submit at all.
2. Once in a while, it is okay to chase someone to give you what you asked.  Okay, so this may seem a bit like hugot but the thing is, I am not the type who will chase after someone just so he/she can submit his/her task. Hindi nga ako naghabol sa mga naging ka-on ko e, pero naranasan kong maghabol ng estudyante.  In a typical setting, if someone did not submit their task, then it’s their loss.  But in school setting, you have to give chances, follow up, and chase students to submit requirements.  You should also talk to them, to know possible difficulties, get the reason why they can’t submit or why it was late.
3. You need to have tons of patience.  Anyone who knows me, knew that I am not a very patient person.  I value time too much.  I have schedules and plans that I need to adhere to.  Despite loving heavy and loud rock music, too much noise from incessant talking irks me.  True, there are a few times that I scolded the class, and even changed some things because of too much noise.  But most of the time, you just have to bear it.

Those are just some it.  There’s quite a lot of things I’ve learned, but it’s more of how different people behave, how I should act, and how I should treat others.  I won’t go into details about each of them because I am still sorting them… whether it’s something I should retain, revise, or reject.

Still, I am glad to have the opportunity to teach.  I’ve met a few good people – teachers and students alike.  I am thankful and glad that I’ve met them.  I am looking forward to more teaching opportunities… and probably start my journey towards the reason why I did this shift in the first place.

Inside

I tried to keep it from showing
Each day I fake a smile
Just to keep it within

I kept to myself and pushed people away
And hid in a bubble of uncertainty
Desperately pushing it deep within

But the darkness inside me is stronger
It’s clawing its way out
Demanding to be released

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An unfinished poem started back in February 2015… Been cleaning my files, and here’s something I have forgotten until today.

And here I am, more than a year after, but the darkness is still trying to come out. Been successful keeping it at bay – by focusing on the things I wanted to do… I’ve been successful so far. For how long, I don’t really know.

But I’ll try to keep on fighting this, because I am more than my DDS… I am more than what I think I am… And this darkness clawing its way out is just the part of me that I’ve buried with time.

Changed Course

From the corporate and BPO industry, I am now in the Educational field.

It was a huge change. A huge leap from what I was used to.

Sometimes, I can’t even stop myself from getting frustrated of some processes between the industry that I am in now versus those that I have been with. Aside from that, I am also comparing how it was when I was a student, and it was far too different.

One thing remains the same though… Names may change but the way students act or behave in class remains the same.

I am in my first year of teaching. I have encountered different students. Some are easy to get along with. Some just gets to your nerves.

I am challenged. I feel there’s a lot of things that I need to work on.

I am keeping it positive. I have to wing it.

Reflections

 

• Things may not go always as planned.  I should never stopped having back-ups.
• Family is everything.  It doesn’t have to be just blood relatives.
• My craft has been shelved – to give way to something not too important nor fulfilling.
• Time is valuable – never take things for granted.
• Overthinking helps in decision making.  But don’t overwork your brain.
• Relationships come and go.  Never ask for anyone to stay.

And after all these days, after all these whirlwind of nauseous circumstances, I realized that it’s important to:

• always keep my options open; and
• never believe in anything, unless it’s in fine print.

Great Escape

It’s  been brewing for a few days now… A simple concoction of plans that will somehow, free the darkness gnawing inside me.

With a few tweaks here and there, my Great Escape is almost ready.  Just have to make sure that everything will go according to plan.  Not even a miniscule of mishap should happen.

The success of my Great Escape lies in perfect execution.

And yet…

A tiny voice inside asks to be patient.  That little spark of hope, of light, wants me to hold on.  It’s asking to drop my escape plans, to wait for that something to happen.

But…

I am too tired of being passive.  I need to be in action, be in control.  I need to be the one running my life how I want it.  With everyday becoming a struggle, my Great Escape is the only thing I am looking forward to.