Reflections

 

• Things may not go always as planned.  I should never stopped having back-ups.
• Family is everything.  It doesn’t have to be just blood relatives.
• My craft has been shelved – to give way to something not too important nor fulfilling.
• Time is valuable – never take things for granted.
• Overthinking helps in decision making.  But don’t overwork your brain.
• Relationships come and go.  Never ask for anyone to stay.

And after all these days, after all these whirlwind of nauseous circumstances, I realized that it’s important to:

• always keep my options open; and
• never believe in anything, unless it’s in fine print.

Remembering You

Sometimes I wish I could’ve gone with you.  I wished to be in the same state with you 14 years ago.  Those hours in comatose, I could’ve spent it with you…  I should’ve breathed my last the moment you did.

But ever the rational one, you shielded me.  In that freak accident, you managed to think of me.  Had you not covered me, we would’ve both been in the same situation – 6 feet under.

You were selfish.  You didn’t thought of what I would feel about you leaving me.  I would’ve gladly joined you wherever you are, because it’s only with you that I am free.  It’s only with you that I felt I can do everything I set my mind to do.

Now, 14 years passed.  I find myself still visiting your grave, asking you why you had to leave me.  I still remember.  I still miss being with you…

And you know what hurts?  It’s being there at our favorite place, and seeing it as if you were still there…  asking me to sit beside you while you paint…  Laying down beside you while we look at the moon and stars.

Now…

Finally finished with the required 18 units to take before Masters Ed. and taking the Licensure Exam for Teachers.  It was 2 whole semesters of studying, of philosophies and strategies… of methodologies and evaluation.

I have learned a lot… from development of a child up to making your own school’s curriculum.  Subjects were serious, classmates were fun.  I enjoyed my entire 2 sems, even with some unwanted drama.

Now, I’m just waiting for my grades.  Although my grade in one subject during the first sem was not something I wanted, I am more open this 2nd sem.  Probably because the subjects for 2nd sem required a lot of focus.

Right now, I should feel accomplished.  Because I finished 18 units of Continuing Professional Education.  But, right now, I am feeling empty.

With nothing to focus on, nothing to pour my mind into thinking, I am lost.  I am about to look for work again so I have something to do while waiting for Review classes to start.  For now, I have to be content…

2 Years After 3 Decades

A step closer to an imminent end.
A step closer to a finale penned.
A step away from claws of the past.
A step away from tears cried last.

Two years after three decades:
It’s still a step forward,
A couple of leaps backward.
Confidence wanes, certainty fades.

Two years after three decades:
It’s breaking out of a shell,
Retreating in a well-guarded cell.
A worse-case scenario of charades.

A step into a crypt of uncertainty.
A step into a closed infinity.
A step into an ephemeral bliss.
A step into a welcomed abyss.

Giving In…

For years, I’ve fought my dark side.  I tried to surround myself with light.  I tried so hard to be positive – to always look on the brighter side.

But now, I may have to embrace it.  Trying to be positive only made me weak.  I feel like people treat me as a worthless piece of trash… like I don’t matter.

I’ve been jobless since August because I want to focus on my school.  I’m currently taking up this Continuing Professional Education course – an additional 18-unit course required for me to take the Licensure Exam for Teachers because my college course was non-Educ.

I am proud of my first sem grades.  Proud that I can still learn something new.  It finally felt like I am taking a good direction.

Now, I hate how I am treated.  Just because I don’t have a work right now, I am treated like I’m worthless.  My siblings don’t respect me.  Hell, even my mother humiliates me in front of family and friends.

It’s like I am only worth something when I have work.  Like I only matter if I can provide.  Now that I have been jobless, focusing on my school, I am nothing.

Maybe it’s time to give in to my dark side – so I won’t be treated as crap.  I am far beyond my threshold of being strong, being positive.  Everything has their own limits.  I’m exhausted.  Maybe it’s time to let my other side take over.

Ending…

2015 just ended.

I don’t know whether I should be thankful… A lot of things happened to me in 2015 – some good, others are bad.

Looking back, there are a lot of things I have planned for 2015 that didn’t happened.  There’s also a lot of things that I did not expected to happen.

Another year just passed.  I should be looking forward to 2016.  I should be hoping for something good this year.

However, I’m done wishing for the year to be a good one.

I’m just gonna wing 2016… and hope that whatever happens this year, I will be prepared to face them.

A Year After 3 Decades

I recently turned 31. How does it feel? It felt nothing.

Nothing special, nothing to look forward to.  Not even a sense of accomplishment came with this turning of the year for me.

I’ve been alive for another year…  Another year of not knowing where things would fall into.  Will I finally find what it is I’m looking for?  Will I finally be happy?  Will I be content?

I spent my birthday searching… reflecting… trying to find reasons to keep me going.

Did I find any? Na-da. Zero. Zilch. None.

I was supposed to enjoy, to have fun…  But I opted to spend it in silence.  In quietness.  In my own world.  The pretense of trying to make it a special day left a bitter taste in the mouth.

My friends say 31 is still relatively young.  I still have a lot of years in front me.  I shouldn’t focus on the negative stuff that happened to me.  Still…

31 years… and counting…

No more wishing for something good to happen.

Hits and Misses

This year, I’ve had numerous hits and misses… In all aspect of my life.

I’ve been happy, been broken… been too afraid.  And got myself into an emotional roller-coaster that I didn’t thought I can get out.

I’ve been in love, been hurt… I’ve had an old flame hurt me physically and emotionally.  I was made to feel insignificant again.  I’ve ran away… I’ve pushed people away… I’ve kept some, but still kept them at a distance.

I’ve let go of someone because of my fears…

I’ve held on to someone I consider my rock.  Because during the time that I needed someone to help me get out, he was the only one who was there to give me a hand… I feel guilty… and thankful at the same time.  Guilty because I have hurt him before, but he still stayed.  I’m thankful because I know, he’s going to be here for me.

I’ve been hospitalized, my health deteriorated.  I quit a job and started a new one.  I don’t think I will last on this one too… But in a way, it helps me keep sane.

If last year, I’ve been bothered about my family problems, this year, I managed not to give a care.  Thinking of it will only hurt me.  I learned not to care so its easier.  So I would no longer think about infidelities, and losing respect for my father.

Just a few more days, this year will be over… Pretty soon, I’ll have another set of hits and misses…  Like every other year, I am wishing again for a better new year…

I don’t want another year of hits and misses.  I don’t want another year of believing that something good will happen to me.  Nothing did.  It will only be good for some time… but it will ultimately end with me questioning the very reason why I am still trying.

I’m done gambling.  I’ve had enough of hits and misses.

She

She kept her mouth shut.

That’s her biggest mistake.  If she could have said her piece, it may have a different outcome.  Things may be better.

She kept her silence.

She didn’t want them to see… the pain, the tears.  She retreated in her corner.  She pretended to like her solitude.

She wears a fake smile.

It throws people off-guard.  She hid behind the facade of fake happiness. She pretended she’s okay.

She’s inside me…  Faking things til I don’t know what’s real anymore.  Hiding my tears, laughing like there’s no tomorrow.

‘Cause I know, when I’m on my own, the darkness would claim me.  My solitude will suffocate me.

And I’ll drown myself in wicked thoughts.

Go Back

I’ve given myself a year…  A year to try and be different… To try and do things I don’t normally do… To feel than to think.

I didn’t gave it my 100%.  I still have reservations.  But that year is enough for me to know more about myself.  And be in touch with  a part of me that I have neglected for so long.

Now the year is almost up, I decided to go back.  There’s no need to continue.  There’s no need to embrace something I can’t handle.

Yes, I can’t handle emotions.  I can’t handle feeling something I’m not accustomed to.  Emotions drain me.  They are my weakness.  And that whole year is supposed to strengthen me… So I won’t falter every time I am to face something I’m used to.

And now that the year is up, I’ll be going back to who I was before I gave myself the break.  I will go back to being the thinker – one who doesn’t bother with emotions as long as everything I have is okay.  I’ll  go back to being uncaring.  To the hard, calculating me that was the product of everything I’ve been through.

I won’t let anyone near me again.  Everyone I’ve known up to this moment is enough.  If they are meant to stay  or not, it’s their option.  I won’t ask anyone to stay.

I know my worth now.  And I know I don’t deserve much.