She

She kept her mouth shut.

That’s her biggest mistake.  If she could have said her piece, it may have a different outcome.  Things may be better.

She kept her silence.

She didn’t want them to see… the pain, the tears.  She retreated in her corner.  She pretended to like her solitude.

She wears a fake smile.

It throws people off-guard.  She hid behind the facade of fake happiness. She pretended she’s okay.

She’s inside me…  Faking things til I don’t know what’s real anymore.  Hiding my tears, laughing like there’s no tomorrow.

‘Cause I know, when I’m on my own, the darkness would claim me.  My solitude will suffocate me.

And I’ll drown myself in wicked thoughts.

Flooded

Earlier today, while en-route to work, I had the luck to be stuck in flood.  Water got inside our car in the knee-deep flood.  Me and my brother has to push the car to a higher place without water.

I folded my pants up to my knees, braved the cold rain and walk barefoot in the flooded street (I was wearing sneakers that I don’t want to get wet).  I almost lost my balance twice, because the water was muddy and I’m not familiar walking down that street.

I’m soaked in a span of a few minutes.  My jacket couldn’t even protect me from the cold.  Mid-morning, I had to discard my jacket and stay inside our stranded car so I could stay warm.

Before the noon, the rain is still strong because of the tropical storm.  There’s still flood on our way out because the Marikina River was at 20 meters above sea level, and they were going to open the gates of some dams (reservoirs) to release the excess water.

By  noon, I was shivering.  My brother who went home by walking has brought me some clothes to change.

It was only in the afternoon when we decided to go home and leave our car somewhere safe.  We are already shivering from the cold, rain doesn’t seem like it would stop anytime soon..  So we went home and had to walk in the knee-deep flood water again.

I never experienced Ondoy which caused massive flood in Metro Manila years ago.  But Tropical Storm Mario made me experience almost swimming in the gross waters… 😥

Still You

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  It’s been weeks since I ended things between us but I still think of you… a lot.  Even the little things that has little connection to you makes me think of what I’d had with you.

I wanted to talk to you… and tell you that I miss you.  That I still love you.  Yet, I’m afraid that just like before, it won’t mean anything to you.

I’m already hurting now… and I can’t help but to hate myself for longing for someone who clearly does not feel the same.  The rational side of me wants to choose the one before you.  Because unlike you, he’s still here for me.  Even months after I ended things with him, and knowing I hurt him, he still choose to stay with me… Telling me that his feelings hasn’t changed.

It would be easier if I’ll just go back to him.  But I can’t.

Because despite knowing that it’s only me who’s hurting when I ended things with you, it’s still you.  It’s you that I’m still waiting for, though I know you don’t feel the same.  It’s still you that I want, despite knowing that you no longer want to do anything with me.

Darkness…

I recently dreamt of being surrounded by darkness… I don’t know why but inside that darkness, there’s nothing to feel… Like it was just there, cradling me.

I thought it’s supposed to be frightening…  But there’s nothing in that space.  It’s empty, void.  Just thoughts, no emotions.

Darkness could mean a lot of things…  It could mean that I’m okay not knowing certain things – ignorance is a bliss…  It could also mean that I am waiting for something to happen.

I don’t know what to think anymore.  A million things are inside my head, and this recent dream of darkness is unnerving…

Like it’s supposed to tell me something but I can’t seem to put my mind into it.